Sound Bath

God I love the opportunity to do something completely out of my comfort zone.  Actually, that’s not true at all. I hate it. I absolutely love my comfort zone.  Do you know why? Because it’s comforting. And because all of my nice things are in there:  preconceived notions, long held grudges, disorganized feelings about the precipitous drop off in writing between Season 1 and Season 2 Netflix shows, etc…  All the things I don’t want to change live there in an almost perfect harmony. And so when it’s time to challenge something, I really loathe the experience.  

If I don’t have a way to overcome the obvious objection based on some real or expected danger to my person, I have no choice but to try it out.  It drives me insane that this is the way I tend to do things. If I can’t see a way around some bullshit problem, then I know that I’m going to have to just go right through the center of it.  Shit splatter be damned. It’s the only way I’ve ever learned to get out of my head once I realize that I’m in it. I’ve developed this skill over many years of being frustrated with myself for not doing the thing I was absolutely not desperate to try in the first place.   And that’s how I ended up here. 

I’m in Cudjoe Key this morning.  It’s a perfect 71 degrees. The sun is coming up over the palm trees and I’m in a place affectionately called “Dentures Out”.  It’s really known as Venture Out but jesus the people here are who I long to be one day. Crotchety. Suspicious. And most importantly, alive at a seemingly impossible advanced age.  My father in law is the king of this behavior. He’s now 68 years old and hasn’t aged a bit in the two decades we’ve been acquainted. It’s a little disgusting but he’s nice enough so I don’t put weird stuff in his coffee.  Anymore.  

I drove here from my home in the Florida Panhandle.  If you don’t know, Florida is an incredibly long state if you drive from one corner to the other.  The “Florida as America’s Wang” jokes are tired, I know, and yet, somehow, still funny. And mostly true.  But jesus it’s a long drive when you have three kids in the car and one of them took diplomacy lessons from Kim Jong Un.  She’s 4. And terrible. And I love her because she reminds me of me and I know that come the revolution she’ll thrive and probably lead the next Robespierre-esq National Convention.   She doesn’t yet know what a Guillotine is, but it won’t take her long to make it all come together.  

We’re here in the Keys because they’re my happy place.  We’re here for a couple reasons but that’s the one outwardly I’d like you to believe.  And look, we’re halfway into this journey together. I’m pretty sure you’ve already got an idea or two picked out for why we’re really here.  And I’ll cop to it. I got drunk at an auction and decided that I liked the idea of coming to a luxury retreat in the keys for a week. The fine print reads a little differently from the what was promised though.  Where they said luxurious boating retreat on the water, what they meant was trailer on the ass end of a canal where the flotsam and jetsam collect to look like a shitty latte lapping up against a Perestroika era sea wall.  I don’t mean trailer as in an Airstream like my friend Bob helpfully posited when I texted him to complain about my circumstances. No Bob. An honest-to-god, Hartford, Alabama style trailer in an old folks community 30 minutes away from Key West.  It’s sorta like hell, but with the lid blown off and all the fun bits scattered about.

And look, I wish I could tell you this was the first time I had gotten my hand stuck in this particular mouse trap.  Last year we bought a similar trip to a place called Little Gasparilla Island which is also in South (ish) Florida. We rented a boat because in my haste to buy the trip before some OTHER drunken fool spent way too much to live in a hole; I didn’t notice that Little Gasparilla Island is an actual island.  As in there is no way to get to the island that doesn’t involve floating. And you know what, it was an amazing week with my kids; once we all settled into the idea that we were all probably going to die of scurvy or some other aquatic borne disease of questionable provenance. We didn’t die though. We flourished.  The kids learned to be still on a boat. I learned to live without my phone. My wife learned nothing because she’s perfect and had nothing left to learn. (She asked me to put something nice in here about her so I’ve done that now and will entertain no further obligations from her. Unless she does that one thing from Christmas 2008 and then the world is her oyster.  Please honey. It’s been a decade. I’m due!)  

At the end of the week, my kids all privately took me aside and told me how much fun they had had and how much they wished we could come back and do something similar.  I’m kidding of course because these are ungrateful children who deserve the scurvy for all the complaints about lack of cable and/or readily available access to the comforts of home.  But we really did have a lovely time. We played board games with abandon. We boated everywhere we wanted to go and grew familiar with the idea that parents most times have no idea what they’re doing and, even worse, sometimes know less than their offspring about how to handle a problem.  My favorite memory is of an offhand game of Charades wherein I, as “it” or whatever you call the person who makes a fool of themselves to get the answer guessed, was gesticulating wildly when my wife quite literally and loudly said the word “SHIT” as though it might be helpful to the kids in their guessing.  We all stopped for a moment before it settled on us that my wife had guessed shit as a word I was trying to get across to my then 9, 7 and 3 year olds.  

What happened next is still a favorite memory of mine.  The kids looked at each other conspiratorially, each knowing what the word meant and neither wanting to acknowledge that they understood it to be a naughty word they weren’t allowed to use.  My three year old picked her nose like Kim Jong Un and dared us to say anything to her about it. I stood staring blankly at my wife wondering what gesture could have possibly provoked a loud shout of SHIT in front of our children.  And then she broke; laughter pealing out of her as tears cascaded down her reddening cheeks. The pent us frustrations of parenting on a literal island and being stuck at least a boat ride away from anything that resembled real life broke through.  And she laughed. Hard and long and at herself in a way that she rarely allows. The kids broke next. Each guffawing that their normally reserved Mom had just uttered an, in their world at least, extremely naughty word without hesitation. And finally me who realized that it was probably ok to laugh and she hadn’t just remembered some medication that they kids were supposed to take to avoid developing lice or a deviated septum.  And so we laughed. Together as a family for the better part of a quarter hour.  

As soon as the laughter would die down, someone else would get the giggles and the entire spiral would begin again.  We finally settled down to begin the game again with new resolve and abs that hurt. We got roughly thirty seconds in to the renewed game of charades before my wife again in a fit of hubris and excitement to get the answer right bellowed “SHIT” again.  We all dissolved into our own fits of laughter and called it a night. All was right in the world and I was happily adrift on a sea of parental bliss. I had found common ground with my entire family and as it turns out, it begins with dirty words uttered in a loud excited voice by a demure (by my family’s measure at least) woman of a certain age.  All that to say that I hoped this year would be a repeat of my mistakes from the year before. If you’re keeping score at home, the answer I was trying to convey was “Shrek”. And look, if I’m being honest, I’m quite literally one tube of green food coloring away from being an exact replica of the title character. So if you’ll pardon me, I’m still trying to get over my wife, not once but twice, pointing an excited finger at me in front of our children and calling me SHIT repeatedly.  It’s not that I don’t deserve it, it’s just rude.  

I have no idea why I continue to tell you all these stories about me that have nothing to do with health and wellness but god the catharsis is beautiful.  Which reminds me of one of the reasons I’m here in the first damn place. I have a good friend. He lives in Los Angeles now. He does not belong there and for a time he was my across the street neighbor and drinking buddy without an equal.  Jim and i were inseparable while he lived next door. Mainly because one of us always had a fridge full of beer (almost always him) and we both loved to empty it together while playing guitar and bitching about our jobs. He sold soap or some shit; I don’t really know because I don’t pay attention well. In any event, as the father of three, I am sometimes housebound while my wife goes to yoga or the store or the moon.  Again, attention is not my strong suit. As it occured, I was housebound on a particular Wednesday night and I had reached my breaking point with my week and desperately needed a beer or nine. I knew Jim had a beer fridge and that he lived tantalizingly close. I also knew that my then 1 year old would likely burn the house down or start a new republic if I left the house for more than 30 seconds. And so I phoned a friend (Jim) and asked if he wanted to grab a beer.  He was in the right frame of mind and said sure. I said great, I’m housebound, want to come over here and we’ll drink on my porch? He again said yes. He never saw the turn. I said great, can you bring some beer with you to my porch? He hung up. I didn’t blame him then and don’t blame him now.  

To his credit, he showed up 30 minutes later with a plastic sack of miller lite and what appeared to be an enlarged set of trapezius muscles brought on by the vigorous shaking of his head.  And so we drank and talked. Jim at that point was just getting out of a long term marriage and had begun dating a wonderful woman named Shanda. Shanda was present in our home multiple times over the next few years.  She was always a bit woo, but we loved her because we understood woo and wanted Jim to be happy. And then, one day she was just gone. She had up and moved to Key West to teach yoga and live a fully endorsed life full of peace.  And so, as one does, my wife texted her as we pulled into town to say hello and to ask what yoga classes she might be leading in the coming days. And wouldn’t you know it, the very next night she was leading not yoga, but something called a sound bath.  My wife cackled in her seat as we drove down US1 and said guess what you’re doing tomorrow night. I was thinking doing the sex to her. You can see how hope springs eternal in my body. Most hope is wasted. Turns out I was going to have a sound bath.  

If you have had a sound bath before, it is a discomforting experience in that you wonder if perhaps you’re the only one not entirely in on the joke.  There are several types of bowls scattered around the teacher’s yoga mat. There were at least 15 by my count. Some made of silica, some of metal and some of indeterminate origin.  Some metal tuning forks thrown in for good measure and a whole host of eager ernest faces ready for the experience to begin. There’s very little pretense. We’re all about to experience something together.  And so it began.  

The teacher tells us to let the sound fill us up.  That the gentle soundwaves will fill our energy fields and help us come to grips with whatever is bothering us or help us fill up the spaces that need filling.  I looked at my wife and she knowingly shook her head that no, in fact, there was nothing on her body that needed filling at the moment and that I should probably concentrate on the experience at hand so that the teacher didn’t think I got turned on by gong sounds.  The guy next to me with the ponytail got caught in the middle of the silent marital communication and moved his mat a little farther away in a hurried manner. I don’t blame him. My wife is a heavy breather which I have misinterpreted many times to my detriment and embarrassment.

The sound of the crystal bowls fired up almost immediately.  A gentle hum and rhythm enveloped the room and the rest of the participants closed their eyes tight and relaxed into a deep meditative state.    I did my best to concentrate on my breathing. Did I mention all three of my kids were with my wife and me while we went through this experience.  My older two were present on their mats and frankly, getting into the experience a little more amiably than I was prepared to observe. I’m not raising a bunch of damn hippies.  But the now four year old was occupied watching a show on Netflix. Or so I thought. Until she tapped the woman next to me (not my wife) on a mat, pointing to her mother’s phone and whispering authoritatively to “fix it.”  The woman looked at her quizzingly and then to me after recognizing the resemblance. The genes run strong on my side of the genetic tree. (O’DOYLE RULES!!!). I fixed my gaze on this poor woman and repeated my daughter’s words.  “Fix it!”  

That’s actually not true at all.  I apologized and fixed the show and sent the tiny terrorist back into her quiet room to watch another show.  I was just slipping back into a state of blissful unconsciousness when I felt L’il Osama tap the lady next to me again and even more aggressively say “fix it.”  At this point I was mortified and simply left the room to make sure we didn’t interrupt the sound bath again. We settled silently in the back office where there was a chair and couch and LaCroix.  We shared a tangerine sparkling water. Which, frankly, tastes like the recipe included showing each can of water a picture of a tangerine once for reference.  

But the sounds travelled all over the space.  I could hear it while my daughter giggled to herself about whatever she was watching on the phone.  It really did fill my head. There were some sounds that were extremely pleasing. There were some sounds that were vaguely disquieting.  And then there were some sounds that felt like nails on a chalkboard. But the majority of the experience was really lovely. I didn’t feel any of the sound attack any of my pains.  I didn’t feel exactly filled up by the sounds either. And the tuning forks are 100% horseshit. But I did enjoy the experience. And I was relaxed when the experience was complete.  And you know what, I met some of the friendliest most open people the island of Key West has to offer. Truly. I was grateful for the experience.  

One of the things I’m coming to realize is that these experiences are about letting go.  They demand more from you than a casual snide remark and a dismissive sneering side eye. You can do that to be certain.  That’s very much my brand. But I remembered earlier in the day watching my wife do yoga on the deck of our trailer next to the shitstain of a canal and thinking that she has the world by the tail when she’s in her flow.  Her assured movements force her body in a gentle, graceful rhythm that looks almost serene from the outside. She looks calm and I believe she gets the benefit of quiet in her head.  

I long for that most days.  I stay stuck in the same channels of internet interaction, emails and phone calls.  I very rarely give myself time to just be myself and sit in the quiet. And experience after experience along this very unusual road has led me to believe that whatever works for you, works for you.  It really makes no difference at all if it involves crystals or vinyasa or the equivalent experience of sticking your finger in a light socket. I really have enjoyed the faces of the people who have had these experiences with me.  They’ve welcomed me in with open arms. And they know me. They know I’m there to poke fun and learn a little. They know I’m not a particularly reserved person who holds his opinions to himself. Better said, they know I’m a butthole.  But they continue to open the doors to learning about their passion and they share with me enthusiastically. There’s no reservation in their enthusiasm. And so I’m going to embrace that spirit.  

But I’m still not doing the coffee enema.  That’s just someone’s version of seeing how much dumb shit they can get some schmuck to do.  I’m not that schmuck. Yet.  

Quarantine, stir crazy, kids, bad weather and beer


You know the funny thing about all of this going on around us right now?  There’s not a damn thing any of us can do about it. 

It’s really, truly and totally out of our hands.  I’m involved in a great neighborhood thread about what we can, should and would do with unlimited resources.  Most of my responses have been limited to asking who has extra coors light.  But after that, I’m still looking for supplements, workout routines and ways to keep my kids from absolutely losing their minds.  Oh, and I spend a lot of damn time in the sauna.  Lots and lots of time in the sauna.  If you don’t have one and have the means, well…here.  I don’t think you’ll find yourself disappointed.

I’m spending more time on sites like this one because they have routines that I want to mock up to take the pressure off my wife.  Most of the time, I’m finding myself staring at a computer screen all damn day long so most of the blue blocker glasses I own are getting more use than normal.  I’m even having to charge my phone multiple times a day and I’m about to wear out my Heloideo like a mug.

What’s the biggest takeaway from all this?  Simply that none of us have any real idea what’s going to happen next.  And none of us have any real control.  And so I’ve pivoted to some places where I have actual control.  Like in meal planning.  I love to cook.  So I’ve ordered the right tools to make things happen.  I’ve ordered the right plans to make sure my grocery orders are straight forward.  And I try my best to make meals a stress free time since the rest of the time I’m absolutely sunk trying to get work done while watching Angry Birds 2 for the four hundredth time.   And I read.  As best I can.  Over the din of four hundred children hopped up on goofballs running all over the damn place.

So what do you do when the future is uncertain and the next hot meal comes only from your own oven?  Me – Drink.  But really, I handle some work out stuff to keep my stress level low.  I eat better because that just helps.  And I do my best to take advantage of the time I have with the kids.  It’ll all be over soon.  But until then, have a ball with it.  You might find that there is more to see and do than you think if work doesn’t get in the way.  And that’s really what work is.  A thing that gets in the way.

Barrel Saunas and Cold Tubs

Why Would You Even Want To In The First Place…

One of the things I found most fascinating about the idea of a water fast is the idea that there are physical experiences you can undertake that seem to alleviate the hunger pangs. My neighbors who had introduced me to “not eating as a way to maintain health” also had a barrel sauna on their back porch. Come January 2nd with nothing to occupy my time in the afternoons, I trundled off over to their house to see what this sauna business was all about. I was promised that the heat would relieve the symptoms of hunger. They were absolutely correct. It’s almost as if you find another way to make yourself miserable you can forget about the thing making you the most miserable. I guess that’s called Greek pain relief?

Saunas are pretty easy to describe I suppose. I think most people have either been in one, seen one or live in an Amish community. Hell, maybe even the Amish use them? You could look it up but I’m not your google monkey.

The why is pretty easy actually.

It wouldn’t shock me to learn that the Amish use sweat lodges. The medical literature that I’ve actually read (e.g. again, Google) says that the Mayans built and used sweat lodges some 3000 years ago. And I have no reason to doubt that even one little bit. Cause when I’m thinking about day to day life in a remote, humid jungle, the whole world is a sauna. Why wouldn’t you want to build a little thatch roofed hut, superheat the son of a bitch and step inside for a while to really amp up the lifestyle. Hell, maybe lick a toad first to get the full on crazy moving around the body first too while you’re at it. It’s certainly translated to our day and age with little or no regression from the mean.

We have it so much easier here at home in present day Florida where it’s never hot and humid. We shove our fat, hungover asses into a wooden box, super heat some rocks and then splash water all over them to make steam. And then sit for what feels like an indeterminable period while misery circles your body. It’s not a difficult concept; it’s just incredibly stupid. Oh, and if you’re really looking to make things worse, the Finnish people, who are undoubtedly the masters at the art of the sauna, will hand you what amounts to a Birch tree limb and ask you to smack yourself all over to make sure you really get the physical manifestation of self loathing. And if you just don’t feel like whipping yourself to death with a birch branch, they have a special add on where an angry Finn will do it for a nominal extra fee.

But Still Though…Why?

But there really are some reasons that saunas make sense. The science seems to suggest some heart related benefits, mostly related to normalizing blood pressure and reducing events of congestive heart failure. Using a sauna is also known as an exercise mimetic, e.g. that it’s similar to exercise in that it raises heart rate, body temperature and cardiac output. The studies show that the more often and the longer you use a sauna, the more your life expectancy grows. Nothing fancy about that idea – just a straight up set of facts. And if you’re particularly lazy – like me – being in the sauna is kinda like working out because the cardiovascular system has to work hard to cool the body down after you’re done. And when you look like a walking potato (e.g. me), your heart needs all the help it can get.

Anything else you might reasonably ask? Sort of. When the blood moves around the body and you get a real good sweat on, it tends to help you get rid of bad stuff inside your rig. The sauna is a really handy disposal unit for some of your bad adult life choices. Like drinking too much or eating potted meat. Or both. At the same time. And with God as my witness you haven’t really lived until you’ve sweated out Miller High Life and Vienna Sausages.

Like drinking too much or eating potted meat. Or both. At the same time. And with God as my witness you haven’t really lived until you’ve sweated out Miller High Life and Vienna Sausages.

When my neighbor mentioned to me that he was having a barrel sauna installed at his house, I enthusiastically told him I didn’t care and did he have anymore beer in his outside fridge? I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, I’m just really good at it. It’s like muscle memory. But as I stood gazing at the thing the next day, another part of me wondering just how long it would take to get him to invite me into it? The answer is not very long. It’s probably because he’s friendly and trusting and knows I’d keep pestering him until he lets me do whatever I want in the first place. He certainly doesn’t have any reason to be friendly or trusting with me. I’ve done nothing but let him down the entire time we’ve known each other.

PEMF Massage

I think it’s important to note right off the bat that I’ve never been a very big massage person. It wasn’t part of my common vernacular growing up.  I never got them after sporting events, never got them even when I ran half-marathons. I just never had a frame of reference for them. But after all the things that I had voluntarily done to myself already, I was happy to find something that I could pay someone else to do to me that required absolutely no effort on my own.  But if I’m being honest, the first time that someone described what Kiki was going to do to my body, I laughed a little inside and I’m sure looked scared on the outside. But after the way things had turned out with the saunas and cold tubs, I figured I didn’t have that much to lose. If it was awful, I had a story to tell. If it was great, I’d have a new option for feeling better.  And if it was just meh, it was still a woman putting her hands all over me. Ted Williams only hit .400 in his best season ever. I’m starting somewhere above .600 and I don’t even have to swing a bat to get there.  

Quite frankly, that mixture of fear and amusement is a pretty common theme in my life. I have to break here to tell you the awful truth about my reaction to pain.  I laugh. The more it hurts the more I laugh. I have no idea how my wires got so screwed up but here we are. I once had a wart on my knee; I guess it’s still there for reasons you’ll soon understand.  I happened to be staying with my folks for a weekend. My wife and child had joined me. My mother saw me picking at said wart and decided she had just the thing to take that ugly old barnacle right off of my knee cap.  She disappeared into her medicine closet (seriously, it’s an entire set of shelves in their bathroom which is covered from beginning to end in all manner of cure-alls) and came back with something that looked an awful lot like an inhaler. I guess a part of me figured maybe this was the beginning of my Mother’s long downhill slope into alzheimers.  That was not the case. She had brought out a device that was supposed to freeze the wart directly off of my knee in real time. Now you’re definitely thinking freezing a wart off an adult body is an easy thing to do, yes?  Oh god no. That’s not the case at all. As I mentioned above, when I feel pain, I laugh. And when I laugh, my whole body moves. I know, insert fat guy joke here. But it’s not the jiggly bounce you’re perhaps imagining, pervert.  It’s more of a writhing, pained look accompanying fits and bouts of laughter.  

So what actually happened is this.  My mother pressed that jim dandy of a misery device up against the skin and the slow agonizing burn spread across my knee cap like a portugese man of war settling an old score.  The only problem with my laughter is that it’s contagious; you know, like crabs! You don’t want to do it but you really can’t stop yourself. I’m a pretty but somewhat slutty girl who’s decided it’s time to go home now and you’re just enough to do for the night.  My laughter turns into the laughter of those around me. My loving mother guffaws with that god awful gizmo pressed up against my skin. And with her laughter, comes the not so subtle movement of shoulders. And as her shoulders move, so does the device in hand. At this point, each new contact point hits a differing spot on my knee.  Which is a fresh hell of blinding pain which causes more laughter and so on and so forth. I ended up looking like an abused child with welts all over my knee but no actual service done to the wart itself. I’m not sure what any of this says about me, but whatever they eventually determine is wrong with me, it’ll probably hard to spell and even harder to cure.  

Anyway, back to Kiki.  The way PEMF massage thing was explained to me is this: Kiki’s going to stand on a conduction plate.  From the conduction plate she’ll draw electricity and shoot it through my body like a mortal combat character.  And that electrical surge is supposed to break up the facia that surrounds the muscle and in turn allows said muscles “to come back to life.”  I didn’t know muscles could die without the rest of my body following suit.  I mean, I’m a lawyer by trade, so I guess I already know the soul and spirit can die without killing off the host.   

I’m sure you have questions.  I did too. I’ll attempt to address them before you have to actually ask them.  First, you may very reasonably be asking yourself what exactly a condition plate is?  There’s a simple and short answer. it conducts electricity. And it looks like a plate.  Isn’t it weird when the name for a thing defines itself – like waterfall. You’re not dumb for asking these questions.  I certainly had to myself. And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re spectacularly dumb in your own way but don’t get down about it just over this.  

The second question is even more pragmatic:  Huh? Believe it or not, it’s pretty straightforward from here.  The conduction plate sits on the floor and is hooked to a box that takes electricity out of the wall socket and then somehow passes it directly into the plate at a much lower and usable voltage.  Once the electricity passes into the plate, our erstwhile massage steps up on to the plate and harnesses the POWER OF THE UNIVERSE AS ONLY A GOD CAN. I’m joking a little. She does allow the electricity to flow through her body and uses her hands to focus the energy.  More simply, she lays her hands on certain spots on your body and let’s the electricity do the majority of the heavy lifting. It doesn’t hurt a bit at first and quite frankly feels a whole lot like a reflex test in a doctors office. But, you know, with a lady shooting electricity into your body and making up words like psoas to scare you.  

The science on this one is pretty straight forward.  This is a recharge for the entire body. It lights up the cells and gets things moving all around the body.  According to Bryant A. Meyers, author of PEMF – The Fifth Element of Health, PEMF works by “improving adenosine triphosphate [ATP] production, increasing oxygenation, enhancing circulation, promoting hydration, facilitating detoxification.”  So what does mean in plain English>?  Think of it this way. PEMF uses good electrical frequencies to focus healing which in turn promotes health and wellness.  Simple right? Ideally, every single cell in your body should have a negative charge on the wall of the cell. To keep all this going, things like potassium and magnesium have to be contained in the cells, while calcium and sodium ideally stay outside the cell wall.  There’s a lot going on with the cells at all times but the charge is one of the more important matters that’s dealt with every second of every day inside your body. And listen, this isn’t exactly news. I mean we’ve all come across folks who get an unbelievable amount of relief from using a TENS unit.  It sends electrical signals to muscles to tell them to just relax a bit. It theoretically causes the blood to move around the body.   

And frankly maybe that’s what a lot of these procedures are aimed at anyway.  When the blood moves, just like when our body moves, it allows all the bad shit we pile in there to find its way out much faster.  It’s like that dickhead who microwaves fish in an office environment – you know you have to get rid of him immediately – it’s just a question of which path you’re going to use at the end of the day.  And the funniest part about this whole maneuver is where some of these items even come from to begin with. According to that bastion of medical research, Wikipedia, veterinarians became the first health professionals to use PEMF therapy, usually to attempt to heal broken legs in racehorses. So you know, that basically makes me a thoroughbred.  I always knew I was a stallion.  

In any event, I met Kiki for the first time at a friend’s second house. The experience had been briefly described to me by one of those friends well beforehand.  My wife had already been at least once and said she felt really great coming out of the experience. So what did I have to lose save a little dignity. And let’s be honest, I don’t have very much of that left around any of these people to begin with so I might as well just lean in. 

Our friends have a place they call The Lab™ .  The Lab™ is really a spare house (have I mentioned that I have weird friends). It has couches and furniture, and looks very much like a home that no one ever lived in. It’s a beautiful place as well as functional and smart. So when I walked in and saw a massage table set up in the living room, I thought, Okay, how bad could this really be? When I noticed next was the giant conduction box sitting on the counter. I looked at Kiki and back to the transformer box and thought this doesn’t seem like the type of thing that I’m going to enjoy. I was again assured by those around me that I would absolutely love this experience despite my hesitancy.  I was reminded that this is exactly what Kiki does for a living and makes lots of money doing it in places where people can afford to have just about anything they want done to their body. And they apparently choose this regularly.  

Now, I’ll tell you, my thoughts on massage are and were fairly traditional. The only other massage that ever had was in Costa Rica. My wife talked me into something called a couples massage, which does not end the way that you think it’s going to end. It is in fact not a sexy role playing scenario where you take turns touching naughty bits while speaking in a terrible spanish accent.  “Ju like dat, ju so goot at dis.” Despite my obvious disappointment, I took off all my clothes anyway. It seemed rude to disappoint the expectant faces of the masseuses waiting for us in the couple massage area. I was a little frustrated that the entire concept of a couples massage seems to be two intimately familiar people lying roughly ten feet apart with no present intent to interact or touch.  If that’s romance, then my bedroom every night around 9 pm is basically The Notebook running on loop.  

Keep in mind, I am not a petite anything. I do not bend in proper or pleasing ways.  There is nothing panther like about me. Once I had maneuvered my body onto the bed and lain face down, the fun began.   Keep in mind I can only see feet at this point. And the feet I saw were tiny and encased in orthopaedic rubber soled shoes.  I could tell the poor woman was small because I could see the traditional hem of the maid’s uniform underneath the table as she moved back and forth setting up.  She even sounded small when she spoke to me in hushed tones. She greased up my back, took a deep, unabiding breathe, and then proceeded to give me the grossest, lightest touch humanly possible. I don’t think I’ve ever been freaked out by something like that before in my life. Except midget porn. Now, I don’t know how much midget porn you… You know what, let’s not go down that road. We’re better up here on the high road.

The Costa Rican massage was underwhelming to say the least. What I did notice after the fact was I didn’t feel any different. I mean, I felt like my wallet was lighter and I’d been had. But beyond that… I applauded their creativity in finding new and different ways to take money out of my pocket without strong arming the intended victim. In any event, massages, as they say, we’re just not my thing.  Moving forward, I was promised that this PEFM massage idea was life changing. The last time I had my life changed, it turned out pretty well for me so I guess we’ll just lean in and hope for the best. What’s the worst that can happen. Right?

Kiki had me sit on a chair, stripped naked to the waist. And she began running current through my shoulders and back. Now I will tell you, it doesn’t feel like you think it’s going to feel. At first, all you can feel is shudders; it’s as if you can feel your eyes move with the current. You can feel flutters and kicks. It essentially feels like you had a burrito for lunch. But instead of having gas in your stomach, you’ve got gas, well, all over your body. But what I noticed was next to nothing. I didn’t feel much of anything at all. She grabbed one of my fingers by the very tip and asked if I could feel the electricity working. No. She grabbed the next finger, scowled at me a little bit, and said can you feel that? No, again. And then finally, she grabbed the end of my thumb and said, Can you feel that? I said no one last time and thought about all the other times I had been on the other end of that conversation. I totally understood her disappointment.  If she had disappointment, it certainly didn’t show. If anything, I think it doubled her resolve.  

In fact, the only thing she imparted to me was “Wow, we have a lot of work to do.”   Well, no shit, you’ve got a shaved bear half naked on a portable stool. Of course we have a lot of work to do. “You probably haven’t turned the box on yet,” I said.  That was my mistake; gotta own that one. My mouth definitely got way ahead of my brain. That was my “your sister does it better because…” moment.  

The next thing she did was turn the box up. Way up.  Like way the fuck up. And brother let me tell you, that box contains hell.  It was like being set on fire, except there was no pain just convulsions. Now, I’m sure she did it like that because she’s a sadist and maybe a serial killer.  I’ll tell you the easiest thing you can do when sitting through one of these massages is get drowsy. She doesn’t like for that to happen. So she describes things to you like your psoas or your occipital. You hear those words and your immediate reaction should be “I’m not sure I want you to touch any of those things.  I don’t even know where either of things reside but it’s certainly not taught in any biology or physiology class I’ve taken.” But that’s not the scary part. The scary part is that she has a metal scraping tool that she threatens to use to get into deep dark spots you don’t talk about at cocktail parties or reunions. Or maybe you do.  Can I come to your cocktail parties please? I’m tired of hearing about other people’s children. I’ve met them, Clark. They’re dicks.  

I would describe the psoas to you but I think science can do a better job than redneck me.  The psoas major (from “the Greek”: ψόας – psóās: ‘of the loins’, genitive singular form of ψόα – psóa ‘the loins’) is a long, fusiform muscle located on the side of the lumbar region of the vertebral column and brim of the lesser pelvis. It joins the iliacus muscle to form the iliopsoas. None of that makes any sense to me and probably not to you either.  So I’d call it gooch adjacent.  Or maybe the lower lip of the chopper pad.  In layman’s terms, it’s the taint’s wraparound porch.  In any event, it’s not a place I want Kiki shoving her electric fingers without at least dinner and some drinks first.  

I’ve now had 6 of these sessions and not once has she missed an opportunity to threaten to massage my psoas.  Each time I scrunch up a little bit more inside. It’s like an ab workout you never see coming. But the honest to god truth is this:  You sit up and the sadist massages your neck and back. Then you lie on each side and your legs are taken care of in turn. In an hour, it really doesn’t feel that bad.  And when you’re done – you feel almost new. Perhaps even renewed Not like shiny of course, but at least restored to some semblance of your adolescent physical condition.  I think the biggest thing about this experience that I can take away is that it should produce some modicum of fear and loathing. It really just doesn’t. In fact, it’s at worst a pleasant chat with the masseuse.  There’s not a whole lot of movement. It’s just an hour spent having low level current run through your body with the hope that the extra umph of the electricity will help your body jump start the healing process. And it actually feels pretty good once you get past the idea that you are LITERALLY BEING ELECTROCUTED.  By a sadist. Who enjoys pained looks and watching you strain to get away.  

I really did feel better when it was over.  Having not had a multitude of massage experience in the past, I didn’t really know how to judge things.  What I felt was loose when finished. And relaxed. And maybe even a little lighter. I think paying that much attention to my body had benefits I hadn’t foreseen.  Things that just seem normal, like a pain in a particular part of your back, can be linked back to specific causes and then worked on. It seems silly to have to be told that particular part because it seems so simple.  But honestly, I just hadn’t thought it through and had no frame of reference. When Kiki made contact with a point of pain, she was able to ask pointed questions about what I was doing in my daily life that might be the cause of the problem.  I took note as we moved through the sessions and the extra attention helped me focus in on some actions I was taking that just didn’t make sense. From the way I sat to the way I walked, every little movement was analyzed unconsciously in a way I had heretofore not known to do.  And with God as my witness, I was able to start nailing down some pretty easy fixes on my own that saved me a ton of annoyance throughout my day. Simple acts, like standing and stretching became fashionable in my little world. Hell, I even slept a little better because I could think through what might hurt depending on the way I laid.  

Maybe the takeaway here for me is that this one seemed like it had some actual real life science behind it.  And I can poke fun all I want but the experience is frankly pretty incredible. I don’t think that this service is going to work for everyone.  You may already be so loosey goosey that none of this would be helpful at all. In that case, please also skip the chapter on hot yoga because it absolutely will not appeal to you in any way unless you enjoy hotboxing jokes and creative references to holding in farts.  But frankly, if you’ve gotten this far already, you’re probably an enthusiast like me. So keep reading. And this is perhaps my greatest advice to those considering the treatment: pee first. First, you just really shouldn’t miss an opportunity at your age. And second, there is nothing that little sadist liked more than hearing “I think a little pee just came out.”  

Hot Yoga

Look.  I get it.  I’m built like a fire hydrant.  I’m not meant to bend; I’m more prone to break.

I’m not meant to say words like namaste without following it up with a giggle. But it’s not like it’s entire foreign to me either. My wife has been doing yoga for years.   I’d done yoga three times in my entire life before I got to this point. I’m terrible at it. I know it. Everyone around me knows it. My entire body screams at me to stop what I’m doing immediately or it will revolt and start skunk spraying everyone within a 10 ft radius.  That’s never happened. But we’ve been in some perilous poses and times have gotten tight.

But yoga, at least in my mind, is not without some bright spots.  My favorite pose of all time is something called Savasana. If you’ve been to a yoga class before, this is the one they do at the end.  It’s sometimes called the corpse pose. It’s like lying down in that it’s absolutely just lying down. In a similar vein, it’s like napping in that it’s damn near napping.  Child’s pose is cool too. I call it the fetal position, but look, if they want to call it something else that makes it seem artful, I’m all for that. The last time I took a shot to the bangers and mash, I “evolved into child’s pose.” Doesn’t that sound so elegant compared to I crumpled into submission asking my 3 year old why again we found ourselves here.  Whoever taught my turd of a child that trick will rot in hell next to the guy who invented car sirens in radio ads and the TSA.  

This one actually does a whole lot of good. Honestly.

And believe me, until last year, I struggled to clip my own toenails based on my natural range of motion.  I’m terrible at this practice. It’s peaceful but disorienting. Nothing feels normal, everything feels out of balance and off kilter.  I sweat more than I should (e.g. fat guy syndrome) but I don’t smell. Ask my wife; it confounds her every time. It doesn’t help that she smells like a goat twelve minutes after every shower.  She’ll admit that to you readily. I look like I should should smell like her and she looks like she should smell like me. It’s the yin and the yang.   

I think I would be lying to you if I didn’t disclose this up front.  This particular experience terrified me. I certainly knew I could make it through a 60 minute hot yoga class.  And I knew that my wife was absolutely going to attend this event and delightedly soak up my frustration and failure.  Isn’t marriage just the best! Where else can you delight in the wretched suffering of another and still love them deeply enough to want to touch their gibbley bits?  

The heat should feel like a deterrent but it’s really not:

And look, I love heat.  I revel in it. I moved away from Nashville because I got so tired of the cold during the winter months.  Also the grey skies and constant soul crushing traffic. But, I was born to love heat and came by it honestly.  I was born in Alabama and lived there until I was old enough to move away and then promptly moved from one side of the state to the other, hotter side.  Summer in Alabama can be described as a gnat ridden hellscape of brown grass and red clay. The air didn’t move in my little hometown. It had been built into the Tennessee Valley with the foothills of the Appalachins rising on all sides.  And when I say the breeze didn’t blow; brother, the leaves on the trees fell on their own at the end of each season from the sheer exhaustion of having endured an Alabama summer. If you weren’t sweaty the moment you stepped into the sun, you weren’t human and somebody needed to check on you.  

The thought of contortion doesn’t bother me particularly either.  I know that I have problems with flexibility. Before the advent of hot yoga, I don’t think I fully understood just how badly I needed to bend more and eat less.  When your gut gets in the way and causes your muscles to burn, it’s probably time to evaluate a couple life choices.

I knew going in I wasn’t going to be able to get into certain poses and certainly wasn’t going to be able to maintain others.  But I’ll be goddamned if I couldn’t handle downward dog and warrior two. I think in my mind the first downward dog would be the same as the last. As a now experienced practitioner of silently crying to myself during a hot yoga workout, I can tell you without hesitation that the difference between round one and round ten is a whole lot.  It’s an entirely different universe.  

My first hot yoga class ever was led by a bubbly blonde woman named Libby or Susan or some otherwise innocuous name that belied her sinister nature and deeply held belief in sadism.  In my class were four women and three men. One of the women was my wife. There was the instructor and her husband. There was another young couple who didn’t make a sound the entire time.  I did not care for them because neither seemed to sweat or breathe hard. If you’re showing off in a hot yoga class, chances are you eat pizza with a fork. And that’s communist.  

The remaining two women moved their mats a respectful distance from me when I asked them to be patient with me as I was a beginner and had eaten thai for lunch.  They didn’t think it was funny. I was just making small talk but I have that effect on people some times. I overshare when I’m nervous. Anyway, I was directly up against the mirrored wall where everyone checks their poses while in their flow.  It was the worst possible space for me. I was now at the center of everyone’s vision at least half of the time. It seemingly could not get worse.  

It did.  

The outside temperature when we arrived was a balmy 39 degrees.  In the Florida Panhandle, that is unusual and frankly a bit scary.  But when you’re staring down the barrel of equatorial twister, it’s a gift from above.   And so before entering the studio, I breathed deep knowing that I might not feel anything like air conditioning for many hours.  When I stepped inside, the room was warmly lit and contained many racks of flowy, earth toned clothes for sale at outrageous prices.  There were an overabundance of smooth river rocks with peaceful sayings chiseled into the stone. And directly behind the cashier stood a glass door already sweating profusely.  Behind it lay the gaping maw of hell’s foyer. All that to say that this was definitely not the place for me.  

My initial reaction upon opening the door was a prolonged gutteral utterance.  The first wave of heat hit me directly in the face and forced me to consider that maybe I’d overextended myself by agreeing to do this in front of people who have vivid memories or children.  But my wife had promised me something special at the end of this experiment and who I am to steal her joy. The special thing I had been promised turned out to be “the joy of a new experience.”  We didn’t talk for several hours after I realized she wasn’t kidding.  

We spent several minutes gathering supplies for this hour long event.  First we needed a mat. Having done yoga a few times before, I correctly identified the mats available for beginners to use free of charge.  I wondered if perhaps I could stack several mats one on top of the others to create a more comfortable environment for the pain that was to come.  I was told that stacking mats could lead to a slips during aggressive positions and that I would want to have a more firm contact with the floor to prevent said slippage.  I instantly understood that she was now somewhat afraid that I was going to embarrass her in front of her yoga buddies and that she was rethinking the entire exercise of bringing me into her world.  I couldn’t blame her. I was at least 50 pounds heavier than anyone else in the room and looked roughly 1/3rd as athletic as my next nearest competitor. Turns out I was on the high side in my estimation as to one and on the low side as to the other.  I’ll let you guess which was which.  

After gathering my mat (singular; against my will), I was told to gather two yoga blocks.  Yoga blocks are made from a very stiff foam. They feel supple but firm. What I don’t get from them is a feeling of stability.  They are childrens building blocks. There is nothing about them that screams “I will support you while you hover above me, off balance, and wet from head to toe with sweat.”  Rather, they scream “I cannot wait to betray your wrists at my very first opportunity. I hope you have an orthopedic surgeon on speed dial.” But, all that aside, they are miles better than just not being able to touch the ground at all when you find yourself in a painful miasma of complex body movements.  I also want to tell you that even during the warm up I had created my own humidity levels in that room. If you go, and I’m going to suggest that you do, do not under any circumstances wear a grey shirt. You cannot hide perspiration in a grey t-shirt. And as I live and breathe, you certainly cannot hide your Flashdance inspired performance on the mat.  It’s not happening. You just have to swing through it.  

The last thing I needed before we began was a bolster.  Which is really just a body pillow masquerading as a tool of the trade.  It’s useful though. Especially when you get to the end of this program and enter into Savasana.  Remember me mentioning corpse pose above? That’s Savasana. It’s a fancy word for very nearly almost passed out. And the bolster is really just a pillow to lay your sweaty, exhausted and extremely wet head on so as not to completely faint when the experience is over.  

I’d like to break right here and tell you the story of a guy named Buckethead.  His real name is Micheal and he’s a hell of a nice guy. But his mouth and brain never once got in sync.  When Buckethead and I were still young men and competing in high school sports, he made the mistake of running his mouth to the then head cheerleader in my high school about how our workouts (lifting weights) and their workouts (some form of jazzercise or body pump or something close) were in no way shape or form alike.  He continued at it until the rest of our team had the urge to beat him to death with his own arms. Mercifully, the head cheerleader, let it slide and walked away with a smile on her face. We didn’t need a battle of the sexes. At that point, any male member of my high school class was not looking to ruin our collective chances with any female member of the same class by claiming any moral or physical superiority.  If anything, we were supplicant rather than preening peacocks. We knew the path to paradise lay in shutting up. Bucket apparently did not.  

Peace lasted a mere 24 hours.  The cheerleaders were preparing to work out as the members of the football team dressed for practice below.  They knew we gawked at them while they stretched. I think maybe they liked it a little. There was certainly no hiding the effect they had on us.  But they also knew we wouldn’t refuse a chance to be close to them during these moments and so they set the hook. A few called out to our team as we headed onto the field; “Why don’t y’all join us tomorrow for a workout?  It can be a warm up to practice and you won’t need to stretch when you get on the field.” Made sense at the time. Get close to beautiful women and get stretching done at the same time. Cool. We’ll talk to the coaches. And so we did.  And the coaches laughed and laughed and laughed. Some of them were married and knew just how badly we had been had. Some had been divorced and knew even more acutely how badly we’d been had. And so they agreed. What came next was a hell I never want to experience again.  We were shanghaied in a way I won’t likely ever forget. The entire school came to watch our shame. And after, as we laid in giant puddles of sweat while our feminine friends touched up their make up and wiped the glow off their foreheads, we as a collective group understood the power of a woman to make a man do stupid things for the half promise of a pay off down the road.  I’ve been had that way many times since, so I’m scarred but smarter.  

The second time I got crabs, I mean was bamboozled in this way, was New Year’s Eve 2013.  I was set to run a 5k the next morning and had found some level of physicality that I had been missing for at least a decade.  I had been running consistently for a while and was prepared to get up and run that race like the clydesdale that I am. My wife had been after me for some time to try an experience called Bodypump at our local YMCA.  She’d been going for at least a year and enjoyed it immensely. I’d stumble by after pretending to lift weights for an hour and would see her lifting no more than 30 pounds at a time and stepping on and off a tiny little platform repeatedly.  I had held my skepticism at bay because 1) I wasn’t looking for a fight; and 2) she was in incredible shape.  

So you’ll know, my wife is not a runner.  She has run before and not because something was chasing her.  She ran a half marathon with me and counts it as the single greatest athletic accomplishment of her entire life.  And frankly, I kind of understand from her perspective. She’s got a runner’s body with coltish long legs. But her spirit is that of an offensive guard.  Good for explosive bursts of energy in the short term and a huge butt. I’m kidding about the butt. It’s extremely normal size. If you’re Larry Allen. (Extremely Tamatoa voice:  “Look it up!”). I can’t remember why, but I asked if she’d like to run the 5k with me. Knowing it would be cold and early, I doubted seriously that she would join me. But to my shock she said sure, so long as I would do body pump with her the day before.   I was trying to lose weight anyway so how bad could an hour really be when it consisted of lifting 30 pounds and stepping up and down 6 inches repeatedly.  

It was hell.  It was such hell that I quit in the middle and just sat in place and stared at all the women around me doing things so effortlessly that my body simply refused to even consider.  I’ve been taught the lesson of hubris many times in many different ways. This was the one I remember most. I hadn’t even really opened my mouth to bring karma shrieking down upon me.  I had simply watched fluid movement and assumed it was for the weak of heart or those with a predisposition towards estrogen. I was wrong. Lord I was wrong.  

I made it home that morning with some modicum of dignity intact.  My wife had been so busy paying attention to her own workout that she barely noticed me praying silently for death in the corner of a room.  When the class was over, my body was still warm enough to puddle myself into the car and drive us home. I could feel the lactic acid building in every cell of my body.  I knew what came next would neither be pretty nor easy. We arrived home and I struggled upstairs to shower repeatedly in the hopes that my sweat glands would arrive at the conclusion that they didn’t have to entirely empty my body of water.  Once I had finally cooled down, I struggled downstairs and turned on the television where I intended to stay put for as long as I could before I had to pee. Fate arrived in the form of a doorbell ringing about an hour later. I knew I was in real trouble when my body refused to react in any way to the signals my brain was sending.  I’d send the signal to lean forward and my back simply replied “Nah.” I’d try to move my arms and they didn’t even bother with a response. I had a race to run the next morning and I was more likely to wake up a woman than I was to complete this run.  

It took me the better part of 10 minutes to navigate my way to the door; cursing my stupidity and hubris the entire time. I wasn’t expecting visitors and I was not in any place to receive gentleman callers.  I also understood that whoever had rung the doorbell was certainly gone by the time I arrived shuffling like an old man wearing slippers made of concrete. What confronted me when I finally opened the door was the stuff of nightmares.  Not a person at all. Just a small package. Laying on my welcome mat. Dropped off by the UPS man. 1000 miles away from the place my current range of motion would allow me to reach. I left it there and negotiated with my body to get myself back to the couch.  I detoured on my way and made it into the bed where I stayed for the next approximately 18 hours. That was the second biggest mistake I made all day.  

When I woke up the next morning, I immediately knew something was wrong when I felt the urge to pee but my head wouldn’t lift off the pillow.  None of my body worked. Not one single muscle worked in concert with any other. Everything that should have been fluid like a stream was more similar to a whitewater rapid.  I didn’t fall out of bed so to speak. I simply dragged a foot behind me to the toilet. I stretched for an hour before going to run the race and finished in a respectable time; I mean respectable if I had a neurological disorder.  But I finished. And I went home. And after arriving home, my wife said “you know what would make you feel better…yoga.” Fuck. We went the next day and I laid in Savasana for an hour while my wife chuckled under the breath.  

And so here I am, sitting in this sweat box preparing to begin a series of movements my body has not yet heretofore been coaxed into performing.  I was nervous. I was sweaty. I was fat. And nothing was going to change any of those things until I got into the heart of this endeavor. And so we began.  Our instructor began by asking us to find our heart center and lifting our hearts to the moon. She asked us to consider the moon and how it shone light into the dark.  She asked us to focus our breathing through our navel. She asked me to make less noise while breathing as it had only been a few minutes and people were already concerned.  It was a heaping helping of hippie granola bullshit.  

What came next was a series of movements that were so unnatural to me that I felt out of balance the entire time.  I watched helplessly as lithe bodies shifted in and out position with no hesitation. It was as though the other members of the class had practiced fluidity and had understood intuitively that weight could be shifted with little or no resistance from gravity or fear.  I, on the other hand, was not prepossessed with such confidence or grace. I lumbered. I hopped. I chatarunga’d as best I could. And I never once felt in control of my body, my breathing or my practice. What I did have was several moments of solitude in my own head.  And that I would have paid for that bit of quiet over and over again. What I can tell you for certain is that my day before this class was one of the worst in my career. I won’t bore you with the specifics, but rest assured I had way more on my mind that just being aware of my breath.  

But in the middle, zen appeared.  I didn’t have time to think about the office or any of my other side projects.  What I concerned myself with was just not dying. Or falling. Or farting. Or any of the other ways my body was prone to fail me.  I never once considered payroll or whether a certain client had paid their bill. I was unable to fit that much worry in my head as I contorted and breathed and lived.  I wasn’t happy. I don’t know that yoga is about happiness. It isn’t to me yet. I’m not good enough to find joy in my physical failures. I was satisfied that I’d shown up and let my body take over and shut my brain off for a while.  That’s hard to do as a business owner and entrepreneur. I enjoyed the silence I suppose. I even enjoyed the little wins of seeing my body get into a position that looked remotely like what everyone else was doing.  

I learned to use my blocks and bolster.  I learned to discreetly breathe heavily into my armpit when things got particularly difficult.  I even learned to be still when the moment called for stillness. And I listened. Everyone else in the class was struggling in their own way.  Some with getting into the moment. Others with maintaining a particularly taxing position for a long period. Everyone brought something into that room that they wanted to set aside for an hour.  Mine was fear and shame. No one laughed at me that I could see or hear. I’m not sure anyone even noticed that I was there after the first 2 minutes. In fact, the instructor corrected me less than anyone else in the rest of the class.  I’m sure she had given up on me before we started so I’m not counting that as a win.  

And I know something about myself now that I don’t think I had a good read on before.  I enjoy the physical discomfort of trying to get my body into those pretzel like positions.  And I really truly suck at it. Too many beer and pizzas have robbed me of any hope of getting into warrior three with any degree of grace.  But I can get better. And maybe that’s why they call it a practice. It’s a way to have something you can never hope to attain perfection in at all.  It’s a simple recognition that the body is better when it moves. And the brain is better when it rests. I needed that moment of clarity in that room.  I don’t know that the heat did anything extraordinary other than make my heart work extra hard. But I felt like I had worked out hard when it was over. I laid in Savasana and didn’t pray for the sweet release of death in the way that I had thought I might.  I was at peace. It didn’t take long for the thoughts to come back in. But for an hour, all was quiet in my head. I’ve spent way too much over the years looking for that kind of calm. Turns out, the easiest path was to sit still and let it find me. The light in me recognizes the light in you.  Namaste. Assholes.  

Korean Dimadi at a jjimjilbang. I know, I don’t even know either…


There’s no preamble here; this one sucked.  It was excruciating in a way that none of my other experiments have been. I’ve certainly felt discomfort during this journey, either because of shame or simple physical limitations.  This hit all those notes and then some.

Hell, there were several times during hot yoga that I thought I was going to die from heat or exhaustion; or both. There were a few times during cold baths that I thought I would shuffle off this mortal coil if for no other reason than my entire body tried to climb into my belly button to get away from the cold.  In any real sense, a lot of these things are plain uncomfortable. But none of them felt dangerous. I guess I mean that I never thought I was going to actually die; not like dead dead anyway.  This one felt dangerous.  

I guess what i’m saying is that this was a harsh physical lesson that i learned while totally exposed to the entirety of the world

In this case, however, it might be closer to say that I would have preferred death to what I was actually experiencing.  I didn’t know what it meant to pray for death until I experienced this. The person who was rubbing my entire body raw had a name.  I simply called out to him in the only noise I could make at the time; the bleating sound of a dying goat. He understood that I meant “keep going.”  I don’t think I had a firm grasp on what I was trying to communicate to him in those moments, but it was decidedly not “keep going.” It was probably closer to “stop please, I have money I will give to you,” or “please do not take your anger out on me, I have children who need me.” I was fearful that our language barrier might encourage him more should I continue to beg for mercy, so I just laid still and imagined this treatment being visited upon all of my enemies whether real or imagined.  

We can also dispense with the formalities immediately.  Yes, you have to get entirely naked.

Yes, you have to take a shower first.  Yes, it helps quite a bit to sit in the pool of steaming hot water first before.  Yes, it also helps to sit in the sauna first for a while contemplating your exit routes and how quickly and quietly you can recapture your clothes and personal effects from the lockers at the front of the building.   All that to say that this was one of the more terrifying experiences that I never thought I would have to endure.

It’s physically uncomfortable but also emotionally uncomfortable and also somewhat aesthetically displeasing…

A number of different thoughts occurred to me during my intro to what this would look like as an experience.  I think the most important thing that you don’t want you to leave here without understanding is that this is not for the faint of heart.  And I am decidedly faint of heart. I wish I had known what was coming. So let me be your eyes and ears on this one, friends. If you choose to follow me down this path, you will leave a different person.  If for no other reason than the fact that they will take the first two layers of your skin off with a sloughing gloves and leave both sets on the floor.   

I should also take a few minutes to point out a couple of things about the experience.  I said it above but it bears repeating: You will absolutely be naked. Stark naked. There will be nothing between you and the cold, pink, plasticine picnic table covering.  Nothing between you and the scrubbing gloves of a grumpy acerbic grandpa who doesn’t care to speak your language. He’s going to lift your legs and arms. He’s going to contort your body into positions you neither like, nor want, to replicate.  And he’s going to scrub places you cannot reach on your own in the shower. It’s going to feel like he’s purposefully violating the Geneva Convention. It’s going to suck. You’re going to hate it. And when it’s over, you’re not going to regret it one bit.  Because you will emerge anew. Whether you like it or not.  

A few things about a Korean Spa first.

A few things first here.  If you’ve never been to a Korean Spa, it can be completely disorienting.  There are large written signs to direct you, of course. Most are written in Korean which makes complete sense.  Some use English subtitles, the effect of which is even more confusion. Most confusing is the number of doors that seemingly go nowhere and everywhere at once.  There are signs for the laundry, signs for the massage rooms, signs for the pools, and nude areas and family areas and saunas. They must have spent a fortune on hinges alone when the build out was complete.  But the worst part of the experience is that everyone else seems to live there full time and has a full working memory of where everything is and where they’re going at all times. I even followed a poor man into a toilet stall thinking surely he must know where the hot tubs were located.  He was very gracious about the mix up but the language barrier prevented me from explaining myself and so I apologized as best I could and promised we wouldn’t have to make eye contact again during my visit.  

Another disorienting problem with Korean Spas is that upon entering the facility you are handed a set of clothes that resemble a prison uniform.  They’re allegedly cotton, but I’ll be honest, it felt like they might have been made from angry hornets. You get one v-necked shirt that’s at least 4 sizes too big and one pair of shorts that are dangerously close to feeling like slacks.  They’re faded orange and do absolutely nothing for your skin tone. They do not fit well and they have certainly been worn by at least 200 people before they ever get to you. And everyone is wearing them as a uniform. Literally every person you see for however long you stay will be in one of two things:  1) ugly orange prison uniform complete with shank, or, 2) their birthday suit.   

There is no such thing as modesty inside one of these places.  It does not exist. It’s a trace of a bygone past like antebellum mansions or a respectable presidency.    It’s not anything outside the norm of a gym locker room, I suppose. We’ve all been around to see the old men drying their balls underneath the hand dryer.  I hope one day to be the old man drying my balls in the Dyson Blade hand dryer. Just drop them in there like a toaster. The fact that no one seems to care about the nudity is frankly pretty cool.  The mens and womens sides of the spa are completely separate and so there’s no chance of somebody’s grandma sliding in while you’re powdering your decolletage. And keep in mind, most of the bodies you’re going to see are just like yours.  Some fat, some skinny and some oddly disproportionate. And none of that matters one bit. It’s actually quite freeing to notice that nobody else sees your body for the disaster you assume it to be. They don’t have the time or inclination to give your rig more than a slight glance and then move on. 

But.  And there’s always a but, yes?  The most disorienting thing about the Korean Spa experience is that there are people sleeping everywhere.  Now look, it was 7:30 am when I we arrived. I get it, that’s early to some folks. But inside the facility were entire rooms filled with hard plastic chaise lounges with literally dozens and dozens of people sleeping.  Some in blankets, some dressed in their spa issued pumpkin suits and some covered only in what appeared to be hand towels. It was a sight to behold and felt alarmingly dystopian. Oh, and here’s one more little nugget you might want to tuck away for later use.  The front desk person is going to give you a plastic bracelet that you will wear the entire time you’re inside the spa. It contains your locker key, your billing number and probably at least 3 communicable diseases.  

Once you’ve put your shoes in one locker and your clothes in another (yes, I said what I said), you’ll hop into your prison romper and make your way out of the locker room and onto the sauna floor of the spa.  You’ll make at least 3 wrong turns and gaze upon the same blank faces as you walk through another wrong door. Everyone here knows where they’re going but you. But once on the floor, things get somehow even weirder.  People are sleeping everywhere AGAIN. Up against the walls of the saunas. On the pool deck. In the booths at the little food court area! Wait, did I not mention that there was a food court next to the saunas? There’s a damn Sbarro in this place 8 feet from superheated sauna room and alarmingly close to ALL OF THE PEOPLE SLEEPING ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THIS PLACE WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. 

My wife, who graciously agreed to join me for this particular ride, took all of this in stride.  I have several questions about her childhood that flow directly from the relaxed look on her face while she stepped lightly over dozens of seemingly lifeless bodies.  I on the other hand, knowing full well my penchant for screaming when touched unexpectedly, zig zagged my way around all of the corpses on the floor and prayed that my skin wouldn’t make contact with anyone else’s along the way.  My wife, all 6 feet of her, managed to make it from the locker room to the first sauna in roughly twenty steps. It took me an hour and forty minutes like a rat in a science experiment hitting dead ends and turning back over and over.  Finally, we reached the door of the first dry sauna and stepped inside.  

We were alone.  Well, we were almost alone.  One poor soul was asleep inside the sauna and was breathing so shallowly that I thought about nudging her to make sure she hadn’t chosen this particular place to make her exit from the world.  I was concerned. My wife on the other hand, was already meditating and lost in a blissful trance. I shuffled away from the apparently sleeping figure on the floor and chivalrously put my wife in between it and me.  One thing about these dry saunas. They’re huge. They have no benches to sit on; only grass mats. There’s nothing between you and the boiling hot floor except a couple knots of seagrass. Now look, the seagrass certainly dissipates some of the heat.  It’s not that they’re hot. It’s just that they’re so warm that its objectively disquieting. Speaking of quiet, this place is preternaturally quiet. No one speaks above a whisper if at all. It’s just one set of prison coveralls after another silently shuffling from one place to the next trying to figure out which door leads where and trying not to step on the bodies on the floor.  It’s just a damn scene to behold. 

After several minutes laying on the floor, our sleeping friend was roused from her slumber and shuffled off to have a reflexology treatment or massage or eat a piece of pizza.  I don’t know and I wasn’t going to ask. It was then that I realized that the only safe place to be really was inside the saunas themselves. There were three on the main floor.  The first was a gem sauna with the walls covered in beautiful stones artfully arranged to resemble a bonsai tree. It was calming to contemplate. The second sauna was a salt sauna and was at least double the size of the first and at least 50 degrees warmer.  I think we measured the second sauna at roughly 200 degrees. It, too, was empty and no one appeared to join us for our entire 30 minute session inside. The last and final was a gold spa wherein each of the wall’s seams were painted gold. The room was extremely bright.  But again no one joined us on our journey. Where were all the people who were supposed to be enjoying the amenities you ask? Why, of course, sleeping on the floor just outside. I have never in my life…

One more thing about this place.  The lights. The lights were yellowish.  They looked to be infrared maybe. Or like warming lights at a fast food place.  I definitely felt a twinge of roast at mother’s day brunch. Everything was bathed in a warm orange-yellow light that made me feel like a taquito on a gas station rotisserie.  The whole thing felt… just…off. There’s no way I can describe it to you subtly. I think you just have to see it for yourself. And I encourage you to do so. And when you do, please write to me at

Anyhoo, once you’ve thoroughly creeped yourself out on the main floor, it’s time to dig a little deeper and get in the pools.  Look, there’s nothing extraordinary inside. It’s just men in various states of undress getting ready to head in or ready to head out.  There was only one nude man doing burpees that concerned me, but nobody else seemed to notice him so I decided to play along and stay as far away from that kind of confidence as I could.  I don’t need that rubbing off on me, literally or figuratively. There are hot tubs and cold tubs, steam rooms and wet saunas. Plenty of places to shit shower and shave and then a very strange set of what appear to be sit down showers with mirrors and hoses.  I didn’t understand those and I wasn’t about to strike up a conversation to ask what kind of person would be prone to use something of that nature. I had enough questions already. I wasn’t about to go looking for more at this point. I gritted my teeth and headed for the main event.  After fumbling around trying to present myself to the right person for my body shampoo and cementing several very strange new friendships, I arrived back at the pool deck from which I had originally departed. There was small button much like a doorbell and a small sign that said ring for service.  I rang. And I stood. Naked. And waiting. And silently dying inside. I didn’t want to leave for fear of missing my window. I didn’t want to hop in a near by pool only to have to emerge glistening like an out of shape bond girl. And I certainly didn’t want to step into a sauna and then present myself to new best friend sweating from every pore on my body.  So I stood there. Naked with a hand towel while the world moved on around me. I have been in come uncomfortable situations, but nothing like this before. I’ve never even had dreams that made me this uncomfortable. And so I did what I always do when I’m totally out of my element. I hop from one foot to the other while pretending the stretch my back. I like to think it masks the insecurity I’m feeling.  In reality, it probably makes me look like I’m far too eager for this show to get on the road. And when you’re nekkid in a room full of men, that sort of confidence gets you a stern warning letter from the management or a date. I wanted neither. I simply wanted to disappear. I was not that lucky. 

Korean demadi is sometimes referred to as a body shampoo.  If someone tells you that lie, they are not your friend and you shouldn’t hang out with them alone.   They’re either plotting your demise or secretly filming you so they can release the footage on the internet.  What it is, is painful. And I’m here to make sure that you’re aware just how painful it is. Now, I can’t speak to every Korean Spa in America.  I’d be lying if I said I had been to more than one in my life. The truth of the matter is that I wasn’t prepared because no one prepared me. And so I’m here to offer you the olive branch no one bequeathed unto me.  

There are, I’m certain, rules of engagement when it comes to a spa of this nature.  There’s not gonna be anyone around to answer those questions for you though so you’re gonna just have to fly blind for a little while.  And maybe that’s the point of this book. I’m going to take the bullet first so you can be uncomfortable with me and then realize that the apprehension you feel is either entirely well grounded or just a silly by product of ego.  In most of the items I’ve addressed, my ego and fear of the unknown are what made me the most nervous. The experiences themselves were all fairly innocuous. This is the one where I should have listened to my head, my heart and my colon.  

I’m at best a purist.  I’m convinced that football should be played outdoors in the open on a field made of beautiful green grass.  I’m also convinced that baseball should be played outside in the open. And I am 100% convinced that something called a body shampoo should not be performed on the pool deck of a men’s spa in full view of the entire goddamned place with no covering and not so much as a shower curtain for privacy.  And yet, here I am staring at 4 massage beds sitting basically on the concrete surrounding the hot and cold tubs. I remember the horror spreading through my body when my brain transmitted the following Amber Alert: “Oh my god, this is where this is going to happen isn’t it?” It never occurred to me that this was the body shampoo area.  I thought maybe they were just for more people to sleep since they are sleeping on every other square inch of this god forsaken place. But to have beds set up right outside the area where I’m going to have my taint exfoliated? Jesus, I know we don’t talk much but could you lend me a hand here. This can’t have been created in your image.  

I want to set this scene for you and I’m not sure that I’ll ever do it justice.  My adrenaline was off the charts at this point and I contemplated running away. Just Forrest Gump the fuck out of there immediately.  But no, I’m committed to this endeavor for you and for me and so I stayed. You owe me. You really owe me. The four massage tables are covered in a pink plastic shower curtain looking material.  They look slick as hell. This is a slip and slide. There is no way I’m getting on this table and letting anyone, male or female, scrub my entire epidermis while the entire cast of Rent looks on. And as I turn to leave, he sees me.  A new player has entered the arena. My grumpy korean grandfather has arrived and he is angry to see me. I’m not prepared for what happens next.  

It’s 9:05 and I can see why he might be upset to find his first client of the day standing naked and sweating inside his office.  He tells me that he needs five more minutes to get ready and begins filling 55 gallon barrels with hot steaming water and muttering to himself.  I’m desperate to hear what he’s saying but I’m scared to death to find out he’s discussing all of his life choices that led him to a place where he has to scrub my entire naked body for money.  I’m only worried because I’m having that exact same set of thoughts. What must he have done in the past that this is the job he has at this stage in his life.  

And at once, he breaks the spell and hollers “FACE UP” at me from very close range.  He must have closed the distance between us while I was day nightmaring. He pointed to the one bed in the center of the area.  I motioned for perhaps the bed in the corner that at least wouldn’t be center stage but he apparently had his heart set on embarrassing me thoroughly out in the open.  What came next will haunt me for the rest of my life. He threw an entire bucket of hot water on the pink plastic material and hollered again “FACE UP!” This time he was a little more emphatic and the entire population of the pool room took notice and craned their necks to assess the comotion.  I couldn’t begin to tell you how gently I tried to slide onto the table face up while meekly reminding him that I wasn’t actually hard of hearing. I think, but am not certain, that my ass had barely made contact with the surface of the table when I felt particularly strong hands push me back and mold me into an extremely exposing and entirely unflattering position.  I was entirely snake out at this point. I’m no shrinking violet but this was too much. And whether rightly or wrongly so, I’m certain my dangle down took notice and decided this was the time to crawl back into his shell. I tried sucking my stomach in to make matters appear larger, but I’m certain that only made it worse. Mercifully, my companion must have had a plan in place because what came next could not have been thought up on the fly.  With a practiced hand, he dunked a towel in hot water, draped it deftly over my exposed meat and veg and wrapped it up neatly into what I can only describe as a cock dumpling. I looked down to find a steaming soup bao where before only my hang downs had been. I was too shocked to say anything; honestly I don’t know what I could or would have said regardless. He had, without a hint of effort, transformed my favorite pals into a dim sum cart. It was clear who was in control.  I was only here for the ride after that. He laid a steaming towel over my eyes and began.  

At first, my new friend used what felt like a brand new sea sponge on my body.  I had a general idea that this was the preamble and that things might get more difficult later.  He worked first on my arm and shoulders; turning my head vigorously from side to side to make sure he got all of my neck and behind my ears.  Then he moved on to my chest and stomach. I’m not ticklish per se, but this seemed like the worst time possible to start giggling. So I laid still and stifled it.  I can’t imagine what he must have been thinking at this point but I decided to try to make conversation. Nothing would come out. I willed my lips to move and was met with a stony wall of silence.  I was prepared to learn about his family and how he enjoyed his work and all the other questions that queued up inside my brain. Literally no words would form. I was a mute.  

And then he did something completely unexpected.  He moved my dumpling. He wasn’t harsh. It wasn’t violent.  It was simply so unexpected that I flinched. Remember I’m on a slippery table wearing half a loin cloth in front of god and all of his creation.  There is zero room for error here. But he definitely moved my noodle. He was, I guess, trying to get to my inner thigh and couldn’t get the angle he wanted without maneuvering my hard boiled eggs away from my leg.  And so in his head, he simply removed the barrier and kept going. I want to stop here to compliment his pornigami. The towel wrapped about my hey diddle diddle did not move. And when he was done on one side he moved to the other and repeated the maneuver with the same amount of success.  I have never been more amazed in my life. This was high art. Truly. 

I relaxed now certain in the belief that nothing, absolutely nothing, would bring me any lower than what I had just experienced.  I needed only wait two more minutes before he spoke to me a third time. “Side!” he yelled, just loud enough to make sure everyone in the room was reminded of my presence, naked and afraid.  I removed the towel from my eyes and quizzingly asked “Side?” He motioned for me to flip onto my side and walked away. I know I’ve told you this before but I am not a graceful man. I move in fits and jerking motions and do my best to not be noticed for anything other than my humor.  Alas, this was not to be.  

The plastic, slick with water in some places and tacky in others, held onto every pressure point I wanted to use and refused to let me go until I completely committed to the act of movement.  I’m sure I looked like an albino walrus trying to move about the table. I dared not make a sound so as to not draw anymore unwanted attention from those watching this calamity from literal feet way.  I got to one elbow and established a base. I then rolled slightly to my side and tried gamely to swing one leg over the other. As I did, the plastic underneath my ass and hip gave way with a great giant slick sound and suddenly I was in real danger of sliding naked onto the floor with only my won ton willy to help me break my fall.  I made a sound that must have sounded like real fear as I felt the steadying hand of my overseer meet my hip and push me gently onto my side. I was grateful for him then. I lost that feeling shortly.  

He moved my legs backwards and forwards so that he could make sure not a single micrometer of my body went untouched.  Dead skin flew in all directions. The act, divorced of the pain, was spectacular. I could only imagine how satisfying it must have been to watch all that detritus fly.  And then he ordered me onto my “OTHER SIDE!” and we repeated at act of falling with style. It was almost comical. If I hadn’t feared his reaction, I might have begun to enjoy the ridiculousness of the circumstances.  I thought to myself, we’ve covered three of the four sides and nothing on the fourth side has anything I wouldn’t particularly care about being seen or touched. Boy. When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  

I had drifted off into my own thoughts when I felt the soup dumpling loosen and disappear.  I snapped too pretty damn quick at that point. I thought to myself, if this sumbitch tries to make my sack look like a shaved sugar glider, I’m going to lose my shit.  That thought was quickly displaced by a very loud “FACE DOWN!” I knew better than to question him, I simply flipped. It was one fluid motion at this point. I had conquered the fear of sliding onto the floor.  Because I knew that if i slipped onto that floor in front of all of those people, I would simply curl up and die on the spot. There would nothing for me to worry about because I would be dead from humiliation. There would be nothing left of me but my corpse after I ascended into heaven on the wings of pure unadulterated shame.  

But I had made it.  I was 75% of the way done and I had the lead in the clubhouse.  My back was scrubbed and I imagined all of the parts of my back I can’t reach screaming out in pure ecstasy.  It was glorious. My feet got a scrubbing. My achilles were cleansed. My calves and thighs were brought back to life.  Everything was coming up milhouse. And then he touched my butt. Nothing wrong with that I suppose. It’s part of the skin.  It needed some exfoliation. But I was not prepared to fight the battle of the taint. I had had enough at this point and clenched.  I clenched hard. I clenched so hard my soup dumpling reappeared on the other side and would have made me proud if I wasn’t laying face down trying to be demure about the last and final frontier.  This was the Northwest Passage and I was a hard frozen winter. We are not going to cross northern Canada by boat this year friend. It’s not gonna happen.  

I think he finally understood that I was good to go and didn’t need an exploration of box canyon.  He hollered once more “FACE UP!” I made my way unto my elbows and then side before he pushed me over and began slathering me in soap.  It was actually relaxing. I figured the worst was over and I was right. We finished up mercifully ten minutes later and I was a new person.  I had conquered a fear. I had lost a couple layers of skin. I had made a new friend AND enemy. And I had learned a little about myself. One – I didn’t need to do this again for a long while, but that I would definitely do it again at some point.  Two – the previous statement wasn’t about the act, it was my own feelings about my body and had exactly zero to do with any health benefits associated with the episode. And Three – I probably needed to make peace with my body at forty two years old. It’s mine.  All of my choices have brought me here. And I am in charge of what I look like and how I make changes going forward. I vowed to spend more time in yoga classes getting flexible rather than at bars. I told myself I was going to eat more salad and less bar-b-q. I even made a promise to myself to forgive a little more.  No one in that entire room had noticed me even one little bit. All the wounds I had imagined were entirely self inflicted. People generally don’t notice you until you make them do so. And if they do notice you, it’s entirely in passing. I’m reminded of a comic I say recently that has a figure looking sad with the caption “No one gives a shit.”  The bottom half of the cartoon is the same figure with a smiley face repeating the phrase “No one gives a shit.” Might as well go on and do what you want when you want to. It’s really true. Because if you were that close to me on that table during that experiment and didn’t laugh, then you truly didn’t care about what I was doing. And maybe that’s the best take away.  Nobody gives a shit. Might as well start living like it.  

Guided Meditation

I once knew a lawyer named Rick.  He was definitely some kind of dick.  I’m kidding, I just liked the limerick opening.  His real name was Richard, but I always knew him solely as Rick.  He’s from the same little part of Alabama that my family calls home.  We had a slew of common friends and we ran through the courthouse all the time doing our best to stay one step ahead of the judges and jailers.  It was a friendship from afar that had no real basis outside us seeing each other regularly. But I respected him greatly for his ability to be honest about his situation; being run down and tired, loving his job and perhaps most importantly, how he felt physically.  He hiked and biked and just plain took care of himself in ways I hadn’t seen many others do before.  

And then one day he mentioned that he was beginning a search for god or for enlightenment or for some greater meaning in the universe.  It was somewhat shocking to see a guy who seemingly had it all together start to look for something more than what was currently available at his fingertips.  I followed his journey from afar via social media and tried never to bring it up because I was afraid he was going to find veganism or jui jitsu and then god only knows how long that conversation would last.  And god forbid he found them both at the same time.  

What he found first was religion.  And he reveled in it. Testing out all the different features of each new version he found.  He seemed happy but never completely or quietly still. Floating while waiting for a firm foundation that might never come.  And I’m a Baptist by upbringing. I know that feeling all too well. But his journey seemed to be wholly based on the feeling that there had to be more waiting for us than just the momentary satisfaction of money or sex.  I don’t know if he ever found what he was looking for, honestly. I know he had a child and I know he got a divorce. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t an undercurrent of longing that we all have to confront head on in order to finally make peace with who we are and what we expect to become.  I know I’ve wrestled with those angels myself over the years. Frankly, I wouldn’t be writing these words if I thought for one second that I was destined to live a life of quiet desperation as a small town lawyer. But I think about Rick sometimes trying to find his way and it helps me know that despite what we all look like on the surface, it’s entirely possible we’re swimming like mad under the surface just to stay afloat.  Which I guess brings me mercifully to my point.  

I’ve been wanting to try guided meditation for a few months because it seemed like a lovely way to quiet my mind for a moment and help me find a better balance.  My phone rings all day long and I get upwards of 400 emails per day. There are very few quiet moments for me and the thought of having 30 minutes to myself sounded amazing.  I also have three kids, several businesses and a wife who enjoys seeing me on occasion.  It’s a hectic life, so finding time for myself is difficult.  But I’m starting to work on that because it seems to pay benefits all across my spectrum.  My clients have learned to wait. My kids have learned to be patient with me. My wife has learned nothing because she doesn’t care one way or the other.  If I’m self caring, at least I’m not pestering her. Whenever she’s annoyed with me, she reminds me that she holds the key to my marital satisfaction and that if I push it, I’ll have to self care myself to sleep.  Jokes on her though.  It only takes me 90 seconds at this point in my life and I can go right back to annoying her and her threats no longer hold water. 

My immediate thought upon making my first appointment for meditation was that it was essentially just going to sit very still in a quiet room and try not to fall asleep.  And I wasn’t entirely off base about the experience as a whole. I distinctly remember watching several videos on youtube about what I could expect and what I should hope to take away from the experience.  If a 30 minute period of calm silence can’t put you in a better place emotionally and physically, then you’ve got other problems this experience isn’t designed to address.  

I should also point out again that I have a moderate to severe case of attention deficit disorder; i.e. I don’t listen very well and don’t care about much enough to focus for very long.  I have meds but rarely take them because they make me feel like I’ve been gifted a serious bout of ennui.    The truth of the matter is that I simply don’t like who I am when I’m on the drugs.  It’s not that my performance doesn’t improve; it absolutely does. It just that the ROI on taking Ritalin for me is a balancing act I don’t entertain lightly.  My wife can tell if I’ve taken my meds within the first 30 seconds of any conversation. I’m just not myself any longer. It generally takes 6 hours for the meds to wear off and the only way down is beer or time.  I don’t have a lot of time, so…. I’m constantly on the lookout for anything that might help me focus more and self medicate less. 

That’s when the idea of transcendental meditation took hold.  I know this isn’t technically hippie granola bullshit but it’s definitely hippie.  And it’s definitely granola. You’ve seen the clothes most of these people wear. You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Yoga is one thing – at least the pants are sporty. But I guess the point of meditation isn’t to become one with the bottom directly in front of your face that’s clothed in a sheer layer of spandex.  That’s morning mass right? I’m kidding. Sort of. I do like the fog ball thing they swing though. You gotta be one badass priest to walk the aisle chanting in latin and swing a flaming mace. Jesus lives in you, Padre.  

Anyway, meditation is offered in a variety of styles.  Mantra meditation is exactly what it says it is. You repeat a mantra to remind yourself of who you are and what you’re worth.  It’s affirming and repetitive. But hell, saying nice things about yourself isn’t something any of us do enough. I guess you might be the person that walks out the door in the morning thinking, damn, I look good.  But I’m not and never have been. See the author’s photo on this book’s jacket and that will make a hell of a lot more sense.  

Movement meditation is fairly uncommon based on my lackluster research.  I initially thought isn’t this just yoga? I tend to think of this as Dad meditation.  Taking a walk or working in a wood shop. It’s allowing your body to take over and do something that’s second nature and relaxing by design.  It allows your mind to just wander and never have to focus on anything in the foreground. Playing guitar sets this in motion for me. I play a lot in open tunings and that allows for my mind to just float while I hit the same basic chording over and over to form a melody.  It’s not particularly taxing at this point in my life to strum and a well tuned guitar in a room with a little reverb is a delight to my senses. Maybe not to anyone else in my house. Those little bastards run like their heads are on fire and their asses are catching. I’m quoting Charlie Daniels there.  I hope you knew that. If you didn’t, get some culture, Carl.  

Spiritual meditation is focused on deepening a relationship with God or maybe the universe depending on your beliefs.  I’ve never tried it, but man it sounds a lot like praying. Which I’ve done a lot of over the years. Mostly from behind rather than up front.  I’m not one to pray for certain things to happen. I find myself praying for things not to happen. And generally only after I’ve very stupidly set something in motion.  More often than not, it starts with “oh god, you’re not gonna believe this, but…” He always believes. He’s known me my whole life. If I was formed in his image, he was having an off day.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been so lucky my entire life. He had to put his thumb on the scales to make up for me being this ugly.  

Think about this truthfully.  I was born in a great place to great parents.  I had the best opportunities for schooling and experiences.  I’ve never dealt with acute hunger or had to worry much about where I was going to sleep.  I think that’s a testament to how good my parents were to and for me growing up. And maybe it’s this springboard that has allowed me to go out into the world confident that I can handle a couple setbacks along the way and still live a pretty decent life.  Maybe I should spend a little more time saying thanks while praying than asking for forgiveness. Maybe we all ought to do that a bit more.  

I was in Cuba recently and had the opportunity to be there for the support of the cuban people.  That’s really just a way to justify being in the country. What I saw was poverty the likes of which I hadn’t seen in a long time.  It exists in the States for certain. But television cameras don’t go there often because most people like shiny, new or bloody. I guess we all have enough potentially depressing things going on in our lives to spend much time seeking out the poorest among us.  Cuba was a revelation because poverty was everywhere. It was around every corner and down every street. I distinctly remember pulling a couple of rubber balls out of our supply backpack and putting one in my pocket and bouncing the other while we walked down the street.  One 10 year old little boy ran up to say hello and on his way up I tossed him the ball. He started to throw it back thinking I meant to play. I wish I had made the time then. Instead, I did my best to motion to him that I wanted him to keep it. His friends came running from all over to gather around and look at the 99 cent trinket I had given him as an afterthought.  They celebrated in the street like I had given them gold. 

My friends and I explored an art exhibit that day down several streets in a place called Fusterlandia.  It’s essentially street after street of mosaic tiles layered into the walls that surround each home. It’s magic in the moment and pictures cannot do it justice.  But around every corner is the reminder that we’re smack dab in the middle of a country caught between two worlds. And a people caught in the same vise. On our way home, we ran into the same group of little boys.  I pulled the remaining ball out of my pocket and launched it towards the smallest boy in the group. He got it but only barely. And then each kid ran up to shake our hands and grab something out of the backpack. We gave away crayons and balls up and down the street.  We left that little scene feeling pretty good about ourselves and pretty bad about the situation. It wasn’t until a few minutes later when we were swimming in the pool that the same little group appeared behind the fence asking if we could possibly spare some cigarettes or have our collective wives flash them a titty that we understood kids are kids all over the world and that crayons and rubber balls are only going to hold their attention for so long.  I didn’t blame them a bit. My wife is smoking hot. We took to calling her La Diabla Blanco because she’s six feet tall and has white blonde hair. One man even crossed himself and muttered something to god when we entered a restaurant. I assumed it was aimed at me because that’s pretty normal but he was looking directly at her the whole time. I rather enjoyed the smile that crept across her face. He didn’t know the truth of the matter. She really is a white devil.  But she’s my white devil and as the saying goes, the devil you know.  

I’m reminded every day just how lucky I am and how good I’ve got it.  That little bit of mindfulness is easy to come by for me because I don’t deserve the life I already have.  Mindfulness meditation, which is what I think we most often assume to be the standard bearer for meditation, comes from Buddhism.  I haven’t tried this one but I’m apt to want to down the road. I think I do this already; I just don’t label it as such. This form of meditation is really about divorcing yourself from your thoughts.  Which I’ve never been good at in any sense. I tend to fixate on any perceived slight or petty behavior. Waaaaaay more than is reasonable.  

One time my wife was on the phone with a customer service agent at one of the major airlines.  He made her cry. He was very stupid. Once my wife handed me the phone, I had to remind him that while I was mad that he had made her cry, I was really more angry that he had now made his problem mine.  I was the one who was going to have to hear how rudely she had been treated. I was the one who was going to pay the price for his belligerent behavior. And ultimately, I was the one who was definitely not going to get laid that night.  

And if he was going to visit that sort of pox on my house, then I was going to visit a pox on his house as well.  I sat down shortly thereafter and drafted a lawsuit. It was ugly and petty and listed all of the reasons I would be taking said airline to Court.  I drafted an artful cover letter to Company and listed all the reasons I had been forced into such a low position. I may have called someone an asshole.  And I printed a subpoena for that customer service representative that had ruined my weekend. I packaged all of the niceties up in a certified letter and waited.  Three days later, a letter of apology arrived on my doorstep with reimbursement vouchers and a check for an undisclosed sum which I then used to treat my wife to a lovely vacation and disappointing coitus.  Try that again, American Airlines. You can disappoint my wife once but I’ve been disappointing her for years and nothing you can do will eclipse my snoring phase from mid-2012 through Q3-2013.  

Oh, I forgot, in mindfulness meditation, you’re supposed to pay attention to thoughts as they race through your mind.  It helps to observe whether the same ideas pop up over and over. That’s a pretty good clue you’ve got something going on that needs to be dealt with.  I spend a lot of time avoiding things that are bubbling under the surface and then wake me in the middle of the night. I find if I attack those problems first, the sleep cycle tends to go back to some sense of normalcy.  It helps me to breathe a little deeper and a little slower. And there’s lots of breathing awareness in this one. The Buddhist concepts are lovely and affirming as well. This is a lovely experience if you’re looking for a start.  

But the one I wanted to focus on was transcendental meditation.  I don’t really know how best to explain this to you so I’ll just use small words and assume you’re breathing through your month at this point.  The idea here is to silently repeat a mantra to yourself for a period of 15-20 minutes a few times a day. Sounds relatively easy and innocuous.  It is absolutely, 100%, not easy and innocuous. You will never long for your iphone any more than you will during minute 8 of a 20 minute session.  I’m not trying to make the point that we’re all obviously addicted to smart phones and screens. That’s not even in dispute anymore after I watched my 75 year old father play candy crush.  

The point I guess I’m trying to make is that we’ve become so accustomed to filling each quiet moment with technology and black mirrors that the thought of spending even a few moments in our own heads is terrifying.  I have lived a year inside my head during an hour alone in a float tank. I actually was a bit nervous before climbing in. I was more than a little freaked out during the first 20 minutes when I lost all track of time and had already listed all the teams in the national league in my head and was forgetting two from the american league.  (dammit, Minnesota Twins, get out of my blind spot). But transcendental meditation doesn’t seem to be aimed at a complete loss of sound or stimuli. It seems aimed at being quiet and letting all of those things swirl around you and cause you no pain or grief. If that’s the case, it sounds like a movie scene where the person sits still and the world goes on around them in double time.  I quite like that as an idea.  

The first time I considered researching meditation, I had to drill down on what I wanted to accomplish.  Was I looking for peace, confidence or simply quiet? I chose peace because I already have unwavering confidence in my ability to fix just about anything.  I didn’t choose quiet because there is literally no where in my life that I could go to accomplish quiet. Everywhere I go sound travels with me. Either a tapping of the foot or the humming of a tune.  Or farting. Probably more farting than is healthy. But I recognize my own limitations and work within the world god has given me.  

When I learned that there were many different forms of meditation, transcendental seemed the most mystical and at worst the most fun to bore people with at parties.  It also reminded me of one of my favorite George Strait songs. If ol’ George can sing about it in 1987, then it’s damn sure good enough for your humble author in 2020.  All that to say that I chose this style for all the wrong reasons which seemed right at the beginning.  

Our meditation leader is Mallory.  She’s lovely. I’ve taken yoga with her before.  She’s extremely calm and has a voice that makes you feel like all is right in the world; at least for a little while.  She explains that meditation can be whatever in the world you want it to be. I ask if I can make it nap. She doesn’t laugh.  I’m in a tough room. Three other friends are with me and we’re all seated in a semi circle around here. The women are on the floor seated on what appear to be mayan blankets from World Market.  My other friend is on a bean bag. I’m on the couch. It’s been a lovely morning already for me so I’m perfectly content to take this experience on in my most comfortable positions. Mallory asks us to do what we need to do to make ourselves comfortable.  I take this quite literally and wrap myself in a bunch of blankets like I’m preparing to audition for a role in a Star Wars movie. And I am extremely happy. All IS right with the world.  

Mallory began by showing us some power point slides she’s printed for us giving us the benefits of meditation but that’s not at all what we’re here for.  She doesn’t have to sell us. We’re already ready already; were ready to get to meditating. She gently reminded us that the experience can be whatever we wanted it to be.  I stifled the urge to ask again about napping until she mentioned a sleeping yoga practice. I definitely sat up for that one. Turns out that the sleeping yoga she mentioned has you trying your best to get into a sleeping state without actually going to sleep.  That’s a solid no from me. I have many talents. Trying to get into a sleep state without falling asleep is never going to be one of them. 

Regardless, she began to lead us through the experience by asking all in the room to feel the breath coming in and out of our noses.  We were asked to notice the air at the point it first touched the tips of our noses. We were then asked to feel it hit the bridge of our nose and follow it all the way into the upper most reaches of our throats.  I don’t know that I had ever slowed down enough in my entire life to feel the air hit the point of my nose; but when I did a certain bit of calm came over my body. It wasn’t a perfect calm by any stretch of the imagination.  It was fitful but it had the effect of allowing my brain to quit thinking about all the other stuff floating around in there and really drill down on one physical sensation. After that, the methodology began to become clear. I was going to feel each area of my body in turn and focus on staying perfectly still while doing so.  We drifted from the air filling our chest to the feeling of a long exhale. At one point, we each individually were counting to twelve as we took breath in and then twelve again as we breathed out. It was luxurious. There was no sound save our leader’s voice. No one said a word. No one was even looking around. I know because I was the only one looking around.  

When we had followed the air through our bodies for what seemed like a very short time, Mallory asked us to feel the bottoms of our feet.  I, being a literalist, started to reach for the bottom of my feet. With one eye slightly cracked, I noticed that no one else seemed to be reaching for their feet.  I overcorrected by pretending that I had an immediate bout of what I guess was supposed to look like sciatica. I don’t think anyone noticed; no one said anything one way or the other.  I was able to get back in the groove when we moved from the bottoms of our feet to the tops. Mallory urged us to feel the flow of our energy and concentrate on the feeling of being. I relaxed quite a bit when I realized I was just supposed to feel it; not touch it FEEL it.   Want to hear something a little crazy – when I did focus on my feet, I really could feel them. I wanted to ask if I had beaten the timeline from skeptic to convert but it seemed like the wrong time what with everyone else being quiet and focusing. In any event, we moved from our feet to our ankles to our calves to our knees.  It was a very slow and methodical process with each body part getting roughly a minute of focus before we skipped along. It wasn’t until we got to our knees that we took a break to really feel the muscles and skin. We’d just been taking each body part as they came instead of each different fiber that made up the greater whole.  It was a little unsettling to realize I was flexing my calves unconsciously in order to really feel what they felt like inside my skin. She asked me to feel my bones and I stifled another laugh. No one else even cracked a smile. I’m apparently meditating with statues. Honestly, if phrasing isn’t a thing anymore someone should have told me.  

Once we had settled into the practice for a solid 20 minutes, it became clear that I was enjoying this experience almost as much as acupuncture.  I was exceedingly calm. I wouldn’t say I was in a trance per se, but I was definitely in that place that barely precedes sleep. At 9:45 on a Saturday morning after a cup of coffee.  I was in uncharted waters. I was calm and the thoughts moved across my mind like little puffy clouds. The move we moved with out bodies the more comfortable I felt with the entire experience.  It was as if I was being tucked in for a long nap. I was completely at peace with what was happening and what was to come.  

We found ourselves a short time later contemplating our mouths and how we drew breath.  We were asked to relax our tongues and let them fall the bottom of our mouths rather than keeping tension there by trying to force our tongues into the roof of our mouth.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to have something you do unconsciously pointed out to you as a source of tension that you don’t normally practice releasing. It was revelatory.  My jaw unclenched. I didn’t even know that I was clenching it. ANd as soon as I quit focusing on it, my jaw would immediately reclench. I found myself going back to that one bit over and over.  As soon as I took my mind off the jaw, it would revert back to its’ tense state. And my dull headache would return almost instantly. I was completely blown away.  

We finished after roughly 45 minutes.  I felt like 10. I could have spent my entire morning in that room.  We hadn’t bothered to even dim the lights. The only nod we made towards calm was to turn off the music that had been quietly playing in the background.  It was then that I realized that not had I dealt with some pretty serious thoughts alongside my concentration, I had dealt with them in such a way that they didn’t immediately return as worry.  Mallory offhandedly mentioned that the human brain thinks the same thoughts over and over 90% of the time. I don’t know if there’s a scientific study showing that to be the case, but I definately felt it while we were sitting there.  The same client issues kept coming up. They were the ones I had avoided the week before and now had carried home with me so that I could worry about them before returning to the office on Monday to worry about them some more. I made several mental notes about which ones I probably needed to focus on when I got home and could fire off some emails detailing how I planned to resolve them down the road.  Just the simple act of bringing each problem into focus and then setting a plan in place to solve the problems brought me monumental relief that I wouldn’t ordinarily feel.  

Of course your mileage may vary on what your version of meditation looks like as a practice.  Mine would probably be a short ten minute burst to see which issues were constantly on my mind and needed to be solved.  Yours might take a little more thought if you work in a lower stress environment. But once I was able to see what was bothering me most, the path towards being unbothered became entirely clear.  I was completely happy with the experience from that angle. There are some things though that should really be explained to you before you go into this exercise for the first time.  

The first and easiest rule to follow is to not have your first cup of coffee directly before heading into a meditation.  That’s a rookie mistake and one I made because I don’t drink a lot of coffee. I’m more of a diet coke guy up until recently.  I didn’t want to quit, but I started a beginning of the year fasting and diet plan that didn’t allow for it. I am however allowed coffee in its purest state.  In my experience with Diet Coke, I have at least 45 minutes between last sip and first sign of bowel urgency. NOT SO WITH COFFEE FRIENDS. You barely get any warning at all.  One minute you’re concentrating on feeling the hairs on your legs as they brush against the blanket and the next you’re struggling to tamp down the rumbling in your stomach that every one in the room can certainly hear.  

Even if everyone lacked a sense of echolocation, it would still be obvious who the problem child is in the room.  It’s almost always me anyway so it’s not like there were any other reasonable suspects. But I figured if I kept my eyes closed then I couldn’t see them noticing me and I thereby was relieved of worrying about any potential embarrassment.  My kids used to play hide and seek this way when they were very young. They cover their own eyes and if the world disappeared then they had hidden themselves well. The good news is that even when the experience was over, no one said a word.  

I had been worried about nothing which is usually the case.  And it’s a pretty normal problem for me to worry about nothing.  I tend to ruminate on a situation that could turn into a problem but hasn’t yet begun to be a problem.  That way I get to worry about it three times: once before anything happens, once while the thing happens and then I get to worry about what happened.  I guess that’s the nature of my profession and my temperament. It’s not the best or healthiest way to go through life. And I’m working on it. Things like meditation really helped me to slow down long enough to categorize my thoughts and focus on the bad ones that presented themselves over and over.  

I drifted off to sleep that night putting each separate thought into a neat little box.  I took the time to watch the repeat offenders as they floated by like clouds and assigned them a time that I would revisit them.  I wasn’t going to worry about that client immediately because there was nothing to be done until as least monday morning. And if I robbed myself of the time I needed to recharge, I probably wasn’t going to be able to solve that problem when Monday rolled around anyway.  What good could it do to allow it to interrupt my sleep and time with my family. Very little if any right? But I’d never really thought of things that way. My job most days is to worry. To worry about everyone else’s money or relationships or businesses. And that’s a drag on my own psyche.  Some folks are built better at compartmentalizing, but I’ve never had that skill. Most of that comes from my father I’m certain.  

And maybe that’s the part I wanted to take away from this experience.  Yeah it sounds crazy to sit on the floor and just breathe. And yes, it does seem somewhat out there to pay attention to your thoughts in a detached way rather than attacking the problem points.  But that detachment allowed me to really see the ones that were giving me the most problems. If I wanted to give myself a shot at sleeping better and finding a little peace, I was going to have to make peace with the constant problem spots.  In some cases, that means getting rid of the problem altogether; e.g. firing a problem client. In some cases, it meant setting boundaries; e.g. allowing myself time to really look at a problem and then finding a solution instead of running away from it over and over.  In a majority of the cases, I’m finding that I had to confront the issue head on and then make my peace with what I could do about it and let the other go and move on.  

What I can tell you is that being quiet and still can highlight some things along the way you might be passing over and over that you’re trying your dead level best to not notice.  Like that scene in Jeepers Creepers where they see the monster off the side of the road throwing bodies into the basement? And then the monster chases them for the rest of the movie and eventually ends up taking that dude’s eyes?  You know the part I’m talking about? So maybe it’s not exactly like that but you know what I mean, I hope. You should definitely watch it though. It’s terrifying.  

I’m learning everyday along this road.  This was an experience I waited a year to have; and I’m still not really sure what hesitation I felt before giving myself over to it.  I don’t know that it was my favorite. But it was up there. What I do know is that this was the most useful in my work. I never would have imagined it.  I wouldn’t have dreamt that sitting quietly and giving my attention to a problem would cause me to feel peace descend over me like a warm blanket. And I’m not sure that it works every time because meditation isn’t something I’ve made a practice out of full time; yet.  But I will tell you that I will give myself over to it more going forward. Sometimes it’s only ten minutes at a time. But if ten minutes can produce a benefit, I’d be foolish to not take advantage. Which is what I tell me wife when the kids are all out the house.  

Float Tank

I’d like to tell you that I’m a strong man.  That I have a spirit forged in iron and a backbone made of steel.  I’d like to tell you even more than that that I’m a man who knows himself inside and out.  And that I have the mental congruity to handle being alone in the dark without falling asleep within 10 minutes.    But I’m not. I’m weak. If there is a substance that’s the opposite of iron, that’s me. I’m fully made of whatever that is. It’s probably shit.   Let me set the scene for you.

I’m in Austin, Texas; the South’s leader in super woo.  The People’s Republic of Hot Yoga and Hippie Granola Bullshit.  I’m in a robe. A small man with a top knot of shockingly red hair is leading me reluctantly towards what appears to be the nicest YMCA locker room I’ve ever seen.  The room is white. Everything is white. From the hair brush to the q-tips. Everything looks like it has a place and I am just not ready for this much commitment to whatever comes next.  I’ve made lots of mistakes the night before. I ate tacos. Lots and lots of tacos. I drank beer. Lots and lots of beer. I’m now in a pink bathing suit with green alligators on it wondering what comes next and feeling like this whisp of a man with a literal man bun made of fire is going to ask me to do next.  Truth be told, I’m probably going to do it. If for no other reason than I don’t want to be left alone in this endeavor.  

He says strip and put on the robe.  I wonder if he’s going to stay for this part but he’s quick to point to the lockers and then skedaddle out of that room like he knew what was coming next.  Maybe I was green in the face. Perhaps he observed me sweating and cursing under my breath. Whatever he saw, it triggered his fight or flight response. He chose flight.  I can’t say I blame him. I was scared. And hungover. And sick to my stomach; figuratively and literally. He tells me through the door that whenever I’m ready I can meet him in the lounge for a warm up massage.  Whatever I’m about to do has to start with a massage? I’m astonished. They think of everything in these places.  

And apparently a there’s a light show!  I’m so excited! It’s like Stone Mountain summer ‘99.  The only thing I’m missing is a huge joint and a 19 year old girlfriend and maybe some crippling social anxiety.  I’m not kidding when I say there’s a light show though. This Merida looking dude guides me into a massage chair that will apparently take all of my vitals and then lean me back into a relaxed state which is apparently what I’ll need to achieve in order to truly “lean into the entire experience.”  One of these days someone will tell me what lean into an experience actually means. At some point I’m trying to figure out what in the actual fuck I’ve signed up for that requires a liablity waiver, a massage and a dirty footed hippie putting on a light show before climbing into this 8 inch deep mental torture device filled with 1000 lbs of salt and hundreds of gallons of water.  

I’m alone my thoughts until an older woman joins me in the chairs.  There are only two chairs total and they are uncomfortably close together. I’m not sure how often she comes to this establishment but she seems awfully cavalier considering the circumstances.  She enters the room directly after me and slides right into the chair like this is really what she came for. But within 3 minutes it’s pretty clear she’s a pro. And I’ve never felt more like a rookie.  She’s breathing with the light show and apparently enters a trance which allows her soul to leave her body. I can’t get there. I’m trying my dead level best not to let out a war crime of a toot. I’m solid on the whole silent but deadly apparatus.  I’ve been blame shifting farts for as long as I can remember. But she’s not gonna be fooled. It’s just me and her and there is no possible way her body could create the evil clawing its way out of my body. And I can’t blame it on Lucille Ball up front.  I’m convinced he doesn’t eat anything but fallen fruit and kale. And look, he’s probably nice enough. He just doesn’t get enough fiber in his diet to grow big and strong. He’s like a cutie to my navel orange. 

Mercifully the 15 minute chair massage ends and “Sarah plain and short” comes to get me.  He’s being gentle and I appreciate it. But I’m being patronized by a disney supporting character and I do not appreciate that.  He leads me into a quiet room with a shower and a purely white box that looks like Apple designed it and Hobby Lobby produced it.  He points to the shower and says I should rinse off. Can he smell the beer and fear seeping through my pores already? I’m guessing that’s his power.  I know I smell like chorizo and cheese dip because I ate my weight in cheese dip the night before. I also rode around Austin at night on an electric scooter so I clearly was not trying to add years to my life.  My guess is that I was trying to add life to my years… Print that shit on a cricket machine and let’s put it on a wall somewhere!

Anyway, I was ready for the plunge.  Carrot Top pointed to the door and started to have a little fun with my hesitation.  I asked simple questions using my smallest words: “Can I leave whenever I want”, “Can you hear me screaming from the front desk or should you just stay in here with me until this is over”.  He laughed a little and pointed to the door and said you just have to push this little button on the inside of the life sized airpods case and the door will open. No sweat I think. But how do I find it once I’m inside and the lights are off and I’m having a goddam panic attack, Prince Harry?  Can a fat man drown in this little a space?  

The little asshole giggles again and points to a foam toilet seat on the floor and says in his most condescending voice “Since you’re a first timer, you might want to use the head rest to keep your head above water.”  I need to make it clear at this point that if anything touches me in the dark, I swear to god I’m going to shit in this machine. I tell him that too and his last words to me before departing are “Please don’t do that, sir.”  Smug son of a bitch. You’ll see. I’ve shit in way better places that this. I’m not afraid to ruin this whole establishment. I’m a man, I’m 40.  

He explains through the door that the music and lights will gently fade over three minutes and then I’ll just be alone with my thoughts and that if I need a break I should just adjourn to the lounge.  I’m desperate not to do this now. He’s gotten in my head and under my skin. I just want to run. But I can’t. My stupid brother in law is sitting outside and I’d never hear the end of it. He came along because he wanted to try it out but they didn’t have room for him.  Instead of going to a bar like a normal person, he decided to sit between my white box of fear and freedom outside the door of this hell hole. I hate him. He’s really not that bad.  

I finally decided to climb in.  It’s warm. There’s a little light.  Relaxing music is playing. I have my blue foam toilet seat for my head.  The water feels like warm lube. What the fuck is this place. I do as I’m told.  Go first to one knee and then roll onto my ass and scoot towards the center of this primordial cell.  My body stretches out and suddenly I’m floating. The water still feels like corn oil. I just can’t place why I’m so damned creeped out by this entire experience.  But I get my bellend situated (British for shitter seat) and I begin to relax; read: freak the everloving hell out. The music starts to fade, the light starts to go and I’m in it up to my ass.  My literal ass.  

I need to explain something to you here.  I’m not proud of this. My parents raised me better but it’s the truth and I think it will help you understand what happened next.  When I drink; I poop. It’s not the usual quick in and out experience. It’s more of a we’re going to be in here a while. It’s like shitting a Faulkner novel; all sound and fury signifying nothing.  Until the nothing is a something. But it’s not a once a day experience. It’s a four times in one morning experience. And I’m nervous right now. And I had tacos the night before. And the ring of fire is a real thing after all the wiping.  I’m the walking embodiment of a literal blown o-ring.  

Remember how I said there was 1000 lbs of salt dissolved in this water?  Insert RicFlairWooooooo.jpeg here. Reader, when I’m nervous, I toot a little.  When I’ve been drinking, I toot a little more. When I’m nervous and hungover, I sound like a 1972 Ford F100 longbed misfiring and in desperate need of an engine tuning.  It’s awful. And friends, this is a very small room to be boxed in alone by myself with all of my digestive mistakes on display. And friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever farted in the shower, but it has a clarifying effect.  Farting through 1000 pounds of salt water has a 100 times the clarifying and magnifying effect. It was horrendous. And I knew Nicole Kidman at the front desk was desperately waiting on me to run screaming out of there. I couldn’t give that slight son of a bitch the satisfaction.  I guarantee he has a device that will tell him when and if the door opens. I’m trapped by my ego. 

So I lay in my own den of iniquity.  And I suffer. The lights go out and the thunder rolls.  I’m in here for an hour by myself with no way to know how much time has elapsed and no way to escape until the lights come back on.  Mercifully, it’s calm now. I’m floating. I’ve given up on making it through this entirely intact. I know evil lurks in this room and I’m responsible for my own demise when it comes.  But nothing can shake the sense of foreboding. 

And then it happens again.  The call of the wild. Except with the push out, the water rushes in.  Just a little. But just enough. It feels like an itch at first. Just a little prick of ouchy.  Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be terribly concerned about at this point. But the second wind break causes the sting to grow.  We have a discernible problem now. It’s not going away. I have no escape. I’m stuck in this pool of seawater lube and every thirty seconds the sound of sail cloth tearing roars through this prison. Every passing moment brings a different and more concerning sensation.  

My head is on my foam toilet seat.  The time passes. The awfulness closes in around me.  And then I find peace. I’m gently floating from side to side touching the walls gracefully and pushing off to find purchase again against another solid surface.  Time slows to a crawl. By my estimate, we’re probably 10 minutes into this ordeal and I realize I’m going to finish the full hour because this has to be the worst it can get.  I floated peacefully for the remaining time praying for death. My thoughts are of my family and my home. My three kids, my dog and my career. My relationship with my father and how I need to do better being a dutiful son. My mother and how she probably loves me despite her inabilty to think of even one nice thing to say about me until a week later when she calls to remind me it took her this goddam long to thing of something at all.   It all floats gracefully by as I try to really concentrate on the things passing through my mind. I really did some good work in there. And once I’m starting to feel like everything is coming together, I hear the first plaintive undertones of music. Mercifully the lights begin to warm. I’m still on my back floating but for the first time I don’t want to leave. I’m ok staying in here. It’s quiet. It’s gentle. I’m at peace. Everything made sense in here and I’m not ready to go back to real like yet.  It feels like a loss. One last anal exhaultation forces me from my position and helps me move towards the shower.
I take my time and shower thoroughly to get all the salt off, pull my robe back on and then head to the lounge and locker room for a final run through.  It was over. I slid back on my clothes and headed out. My idiot brother in law waited until I was in the tank and then went to Torchy’s tacos by himself.  I hate him. I could have left at any point and only had to deal with the scowls of Anne of Green Gables at the front desk. I walked outside. I breathed deep.  I left. I never want to go back. I had my membership card punched anyway. Opie might want to see me again.  

I’ve thought about this experience a number of times since I experienced it.  I’ve only done it the one time. And I probably owe it more of an explanation.  It really is as I described it. There’s no pulling of punches here. I didn’t enjoy it because I didn’t know what was coming.  But having reflected on it several times since, I think I would enjoy it a second time. I had to know that time wouldn’t come to a halt.  I had to know that it was ok to have the experience of disorientation. And I had to know more than anything that I was going to be just fine after an hour.  

It’s extremely disorienting to be lost in time and space.  It’s equally off putting to be on someone else’s turf and have no idea what to expect next.  I think maybe the point of some of these things was the challenge of getting myself through the front door to get a look at what was on the other side.  I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I gave myself over to it. I think if I had prepared better for it, it would have made that much more of a difference.  But even looking back on it now, I’d go again. I really enjoyed the feeling of being untethered. More often than not, we’re tied to our jobs and to our families. We’re not able to detach and simply think about ourselves.  I was able, during that hour, to think solely about myself. I could wander around in my head picking up thoughts and putting them back down. I didn’t have a governor to prompt me one way or the other. And frankly, that was as relaxing as anything else I experience.  A completely self directed thought pattern for a period of tens of minutes.  

I think more than anything, I took away the idea that I could be still for a period.  Too often I find myself checking twitter again for the 400th time in an hour begging for some sort of update to a timeline I don’t really care about and which has no appreciable effect on my person.  I just want to be entertained. Sitting in that tub of goo taught me a lesson on how to be still. I wish I had learned it at 17. I wish I hadn’t had to learn it in Austin, Texas being guided by Willie Nelson’s illegitimate grandson.  But by and large, I enjoyed the experience. I dare say I’d ever do it again. It was a favorite of mine, stinging butthole and all.